ratcreature + self-loathing   17

Deprogramming - Bohemienne - Captain America (Movies) [Archive of Our Own]
Sam Wilson has to pull Bucky out of cryosleep. Captain's orders. But before he can be of use, he has to guide Bucky through some extensive therapy to undo Hydra's brainwashing. Each word chains to a series of memories. Are the memories real, or just a horrific byproduct of his conditioning?
captainamerica  buckybarnes  length-novel  post-movie  civilwar  recovery  samwilson  wanda  steverogers  slash  steve/bucky  flashbacks  self-loathing  internalizedhomophobia  homophobia  memories  impliedhet  bucky/natasha  natasharomanov  mindcontrol 
september 2016 by ratcreature
A Sad Sort of Clanging - LavenderProse - Captain America (Movies) [Archive of Our Own]
He wants to explain to Steve that he hopes that someday he'll find the right gal and he won't feel constantly sick to his stomach about what he is and what he wants. That he hopes someday he'll be normal. 
(He doesn't know how to say any of this without telling Steve that he is in love with him, so stupid in love that he can't think sometimes.)

Or: Bucky is lovesick and Steve might be the cure he's looking for.
captainamerica  length-medium  pining  firsttime  slash  steve/bucky  steverogers  preserum-steve  buckybarnes  pov-bucky  homophobia  self-loathing  lavenderprose 
march 2015 by ratcreature
the weapons of war perished - millerette - Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]
The soldier remembers--

 

I gotta tell you, Stevie, the love I got for you ain’t nothing like how I love my family. And if it’s a sin how much I love you, it sure as hell ain’t my worst one.
captainamerica  length-short  characterstudy  memories  religion  buckybarnes  pov-bucky  slash  steve/bucky  steverogers  samwilson  natasharomanov  catholicism  millerette  guilt  self-loathing 
january 2015 by ratcreature
If Ye Be Worthy (the Stubborn as a Brick Wall Remix) - Taste_is_Sweet - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]
Bucky didn't even glance up from beating the trembling heavy bag to death. "You're gonna tell me that being turned into the Red Room's assassin and then Hydra's fucking attack dog for seventy-whatever years wasn't my fault and that Tony was talking crap and you can't think of anyone more worthy to hold Mjölnir than me."

"Well, you're right," Steve said, only barely surprised. "So why the hell are you still down here?"

The look Bucky threw him was too resigned for a glare. "Because we both know that's bullshit."
avengers  buckybarnes  mjölnir  steverogers  thor  team  tonystark  movienight  brucebanner  clintbarton  natasharomanov  taste_is_sweet  length-short  self-loathing  guilt 
january 2015 by ratcreature
You got that medicine I need - SkyisGray - Captain America - All Media Types [Archive of Our Own]
Bucky was trying to enter his room.

Bucky is a wildcard right now.

Bucky could have been seeking Steve’s help, but there is as much of a chance, Steve admits, that he was trying to kill or capture him.
captainamerica  slash  steverogers  steve/bucky  buckybarnes  post-movie  wintersoldier  recovery  skyisgray  amnesia  pov-steve  pov-bucky  samwilson  h/c  protective-bucky  homophobia  pining  pining!steve  self-loathing  length-medium 
november 2014 by ratcreature
Captivated - missbecky - The Avengers (2012), Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]
When Tony sustains a life-threatening injury, Steve takes him to a world where magic can heal any wound. But their happy ending swiftly becomes a nightmare when slavers attack, and Tony is captured and taken away. After months apart, they are finally reunited, but the quest to save Tony is only just beginning.
avengers  h/c  slash  slavefic  steve/tony  steverogers  tonystark  thor  angst  non-con  pts  recovery  kree  captive  captive-tony  slave-tony  disability-temporary  length-novel  missbecky  suicidalthoughts  self-loathing  bodyimage 
july 2014 by ratcreature
Even More So - bomberqueen17 - Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]
Bucky Barnes comes to terms with what it means that Steve's in love with a woman.
Peggy, on the other hand, thinks they can make this work out just fine.

It could have a happy ending, but since this is Captain America, it just has a sad unresolved one. But if you like, you can AU it to your own fix-it happy of what could have been. At least in this case, I take no responsibility for the angst.

mild tws: not exactly suicidal thoughts, but close. period-appropriate inward-directed mild homophobia/denial.
captainamerica  buckybarnes  peggycarter  het  slash  length-short  steve/bucky/peggy  steve/bucky  steve/peggy  introspection  homophobia  pining  self-loathing  pov-bucky  negotiation  bomberqueen17 
july 2014 by ratcreature
And I Am Always with You - Lauralot - Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]
He tries to reach out to Steve, but he can’t feel his arm. It’s too cold. Everything is cold save for his blood and Steve’s smile.

Long after Bucky forgets his own name, he remembers "Steve."
captainamerica  wip  wintersoldier  angst  h/c  torture  hallucination  buckybarnes  pov-bucky  steverogers  tonystark  samwilson  bodyimage  dehumanization  suicidalthoughts  starvation  selfharm  self-loathing  conditioning  amnesia  memories  pts 
may 2014 by ratcreature
Heller Als Tausend Sonnen - Cylin - X-Men: First Class (2011) [Archive of Our Own]
Erik has a tin box no bigger than a shoe box with all that he holds dear and simultaneously hates with a passion.

He keeps his passport in there, the coin, his knife, which he brought back from Argentina, his gun, a piece of blue and white striped fabric wrapped around a lock of hair – Magda, he thinks and his heart aches – and on the bottom, underneath a much thumbed postcard of Lady Liberty, tucked away from prying eyes and fingers, lies a yellow star with a pink triangle sewn over it.
x-men  slash  charlesxavier  eriklehnsherr  charles/erik  firsttime  wip  cylin  homophobia  h/c  telepathy  self-loathing  angst 
january 2012 by ratcreature
I'm blind every mile that your burn - akaya - X-Men: First Class (2011) [Archive of Our Own]
He'd been to prison before. For killing a man that he didn't even know the name of. He can't remember how it happened, or rather, he's rather glad he doesn't remember, because he doesn't need additional guilt. He already knows he's an abomination of nature, a sick freak, who doesn't deserve to live with the rest of the society.
x-men  slash  alexsummers  charles/erik  darwin  alex/darwin  angst  homophobia  length-short  akaya  darwin-survived  characterstudy  pov-alex  pov-3rd  self-loathing 
november 2011 by ratcreature
Triangles by zombieboyband
It is a truth (almost) universally acknowledged that a single man sucking dick is more gay than a man getting his dick sucked. This is why Charles Xavier's knees are scuffing against cheap hotel carpet, why his palms are pressed against thin hotel wallpaper. It isn't the first time he's been in this position, and it isn't even his first time with Erik. It's never been the other way around, but here's the thing about Charles: he's willing to take one for the team.
x-men  slash  homophobia  zombieboyband  eriklehnsherr  during-movie  telepathy  charlesxavier  pov-xavier  pov-3rd  flashbacks  firsttime  holocaust  charles/erik  angst  length-short  bar  self-loathing 
august 2011 by ratcreature
In for Repairs - shinychimera, Yeomanrand - Star Trek (2009) [Archive of Our Own]
Young Jim Kirk is unstable and self-destructive, Leonard McCoy is withdrawn and wary, and the obstacles to surviving their first term at Starfleet Academy are not easy to overcome. A dark and brutal tale of the tangled borders between healing and hurt
startrek  st:aos  academy  childabuse  abused-kirk  leonardmccoy  jamestkirk  alcoholism  suicide  abused-mccoy  selfharm  self-loathing  insecure-kirk  yeomanrand  shinychimera  bigbang  length-novel  christopherpike  bar  injury  injured-kirk  pain  knifeplay  non-con  kirk/mccoy  slash  roughsex 
november 2010 by ratcreature
Darkness and Light - Fanfic: Experiment ( No pairing )
“Why don’t you like them Bones? The wings I mean.”

“Dad built them into me when I was a few cells old. Since then I was nothing but an experiment to him. If I had been born a normal person, I could have been a son in his eyes rather than a test subject.”
startrek  st:aos  winged-mccoy  wingfic  gen  jamestkirk  leonardmccoy  pov-mccoy  spock  dr-harbinger  insecure-mccoy  self-loathing  childabuse  abused-mccoy  length-short  experiments 
april 2010 by ratcreature

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