Patna : Lalu Yadav is inspired. Or as former president Abdul Kalam would say, ignited.

The former Railways minister has decided to appeal to the Election Commission to allot `apple’ as the symbol for his Rashtriya Janata Dal instead of the `lantern’. Lalu decided to make the change when he learnt that someone called Steve Jobs, who made apple so world famous that everyone started buying it, had died.

“Now that symbol is empty. No title holder,” Lalu enlightened mediapersons at his home in Patna. “So we have decided to appeal to EC to give us the apple. And just like Steve gave jobs to many people, our slogan in Bihar will be to provide jobs for everybody.”

When a scribe tried explaining that Apple is the name of an American company that makes PCs, computer software and consumer electronics and Steve Jobs was its highly successful former CEO, he was shouted down by an irate Lalu.

“Tut tut tut. Chup chup. Tum bhajpa ke agent ho kya? Do not try to teach me. One computer company called some soft, has windows. So does that mean no one can have window or door as election symbol. No communal force in India can stop Lalu from having an apple,” said Lalu.

Admitting Rabri Devi is not in favour of applying for the apple, Lalu dismissed her as ignorant. “She told me she had heard the story of an apple that caused problems between first man and first woman and so does not want me to get apple. I told her yeh some videshi kahaani hai. I will pucca get the apple for the party.”

If and when the EC accepts the symbol change, Lalu says he has his slogans ready. “An apple a day to keep Nitish Kumar away and Apple khao, Nitish ko bhagao,” he guffaws.

 

(Image courtesy : www.chennaitvnews.com)

 

 

October 2031 : Mumbai : Superstar Shahrukh Khan has announced that he will quit smoking after the release of his Diwali offering `Z.100′, a sci-fi film, that is a sequel to his `Ra.One’ that released twenty years ago. The promise by the actor coincides with him being made the brand ambassador of an ambitious 200 crore rupees Government of India initiative to discourage youngsters from smoking.

Over the next few days, in the run-up to the release of `Z.100′, Shahrukh will do a series of interviews in which he will talk about how his latest production has one scene in which the character who plays SRK’s dad in the film, advises him to quit smoking because the cost of cigarettes has increased. In Bollywood circles, the tie-up with the government is being seen as a marketing masterstroke, that could also win the film the National award for socially conscious cinema next year.

“It is a socially responsible film,” said SRK at a press conference to promote `Z.100′. “I have always believed in conveying the right message. And therefore I am promising that I will quit smoking after the film is released. And you will be happy to know that I have already made a beginning. This year on World No Tobacco Day, I did not smoke all day.”

Why after the film is released, why not now, asked a scribe. “Darling, you also need to have a question to ask every press conference you see. Suspense bana rahega. Picture ke liye bhi accha hai,” SRK joked.

Anti-smoking activists have however slammed SRK saying, he made a similar promise in 2011, when `Ra.One’ was being released. “This is part of his marketing strategy. He promises to quit smoking and TV channels and newspapers run huge stories on it, as if it is a huge favor he is doing to the country.”

Meanwhile, full page ads have been put out by the Ministries of Information and Health that say `Shahrukh, Best of luck for `Z.100′. Hope it sets the box office on fire and not your cigarette’. Opposition parties which criticised taxpayer money being used for surrogate advertising of a film,  were pacified when SRK promised them that he will organize a special screening for them in Delhi.

Hi Shoaib, Hi Shahid,
Aadab. Jeejus be with you. I, Rakhi Sawant. Naam to suna hi hoga.

I am writing to both of you becoz I am very upset. Very angry. I am very Indian so I cannot tolerate Pakistani insult to the short but the biggest Indian in India. Sachin Tendulkar. He will be our Bharat Ratna when he gets one more century. Mind it.

Both of you are so macho Pakistani bhai, why you do tampering with Sachin? Shoaib bhai, you wrote that Sachin cannot finish a match. How you say that? I have seen cricket matches and they all finish by 5 pm. In day and night, they finish by 10 pm. And then we all go and party. Your writing is all wrong. Please make correction.

And Afridi bhai, I expected better from you. You have been captain of Pakistan, is it not? You say that you saw Sachin’s legs shaking when Shoaib bhai was bowling to him. That is not called shaking, mere handsome bhai. As Ravi Shastri bhai will tell you inside commentary box, that is preparing to dance down the wicket and hoist Shoaib Akhtar over midwicket. I also know cricket. 

You have insulted such a fine leg in Indian cricket. I declare you out leg before wicket. You should say Sorry. Jeejus be with you.

By the way, if you had said legs shake when they see me, that would be correct. As they say in your cricket, leg slip. LOL.

Shoaib bhai, you have called your book `Controversially Yours’. I know what your real intention is. But happy birthday to your book. I pray to Jeejus it is a lovely delivery. You must have bowled everything from your heart into the book, I think. Now that you are totally free, I will ask you to write my autobiography. Rawalpindi Express ghost writes for Rakhi Sawant. ROFL.

Ok bhai log. Bye for now.

With love from India

The one and only Rakhi Sawant

New Delhi : When P Chidambaram walked in to 10 Janpath to meet Sonia Gandhi on Thursday, she did not fail to notice that the Home minister’s veshti was soiled. She resisted the temptation of asking why he was wearing a veshti that was clearly not washed. But the moment Rahul Gandhi walked into the room and saw black spots on PC’s veshti, he popped the question.

RG : Hey buddy, why are you wearing an unwashed lungi?

PC : Mr Gandhi, this is not called a lungi. In the south, we call it a veshti. V-E-S-H-T-I. And coming to your question, I refuse to wash my dirty linen in public, unlike some of my valued colleagues.

RG : Valued, eh? You are speaking Pranab babu’s language. Mom, nice to know, everyone in your cabinet values each other so much.

SG : Rahul, not my cabinet. It is Doctorrrrr Manmohan Singhji’s cabinet.

RG : Okay okay. Same difference. Doesn’t he keep saying what is his, is ours. Except if he wants to give me his Maruti 800, I won’t take it.

PC : M’am, if I may interject, why have you called me now?

SG : Chidambarammmm ji, what’s this? Why are you kicking up such a fuss? Now you are telling Ahmed you want a clean chit from Pranab babu.

PC : Yes, m’am, my ego has been badly bruised. I cannot take it lying down. First he indirectly accused me of chewing gum and now this note. It is very mischievous.

RG : No, no, this note is naughty and typing us up in knots. Haha.

(Digvijay Singh walks in to hear Rahul Gandhi’s last sentence and begins clapping)

Diggy : Kya joke maara hai, Rahul ji. You should crack such jokes in UP. People there are taking us too seriously these days.
RG : Let this meeting get over. Uss ke baad ek round maarenge bike par. Chottu, bike me tanki full kar dijiyo.

SG : (to PC) : I do not know if Pranab Babu will agree to give you a clean chit. Can I get it from Doctorrrrr Manmohan Singh ji. You know, it is easier to convince him.

PC : No. Mr Pranab Mukherjee said he saw that note. Now he must say he did not see the contents of the note.

Diggy : Wah, tumsa nahin dekha, Chidambaram. Like Shakespeare babu said, To see or not to see.

PC : Mr Digvijay Singh, please for heavens sake, do not misquote William Shakespeare. He wrote, `to be, or not to be’.

SG : Why don’t we get a clean chit from Raja? After all, he knows all about 2G and he can say, Chidambarammmm ji did not advise me at all.

PC : No m’am. Mr Mukherjee and no one else. Otherwise, please accept my resignation with immediate effect.

RG : Digvijayji, what are your sources in Nagpur saying? Can’t we blame this all on the RSS?

Diggy : No I am afraid not. Their specialisation is not in 2G spectrum kind of matters.

PC : M’am, I insist, Mr Mukherjee should say the inferences and interpretations in the note do not reflect his views. That should do for me. I will be happy and will treat the matter closed.

RG : (whispering to Digvijay) : If anyone asks me what is my view on 2G, what shall I say?. My blackberry is on 3G.

Diggy : (whispering back) : Don’t worry Rahul ji. You are ahead of your time.

SG : Ok. I will get Kapil to prepare a note and get Pranab to agree to reading it out. Only Kapil can handle all those zeroes. How did Raja even count so many zeroes surprises me. Rahul cannot count beyond three. Digvijay ji, what about you?

Diggy : Mujhe to 100 ke beyond ginti hi nahi aati, Sonia ji.

SG : (fretting) : This 2G has spread like a cancer in our UPA.

PC : Sorry to disturb you while you are still recovering M’am. Please tell Mr Kapil Sibal. He is also a valued colleague. I take your leave.

SG : Ok, Chidambarammmm ji

RG : Take care dude.

Diggy : If you are free this evening, come with us. Uttar Pradesh me triple riding par pratibandh nahi hai. He he he.

(Pic courtesy : www.ndtv.com)

New Delhi : On his 79th birthday, Congress President Sonia Gandhi has conveyed her best wishes to Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. Along with the bouquet of flowers that reached his hotel in New York, the PM also received a confidential letter from Mrs Gandhi. Tenali Rama was pleasantly surprised when a generous PMO acted double quick in releasing the letter under RTI.

`Tenali Rama Reports’ reproduces the letter in full, in national interest.

Aadaryna Manmohan Singh ji,

Happy birthday to you. Rahul was very eager to call you at 12 o’clock last night but I dissuaded him from doing so, saying you may interpret it as a poor Sardarji joke and in any case, you would be stressed after the meeting with Pranab da.

How did the meeting go? I am really fed up of this 2G. I thought once Raja went to jail and that DMK lost power, all our problems will be over. But now I hear Raja is singing `Raja ki aayegi baraat’ inside Tihar. Wasn’t that Rani’s flop movie, Manmohan ji?

When you return, I want you, Pranab, PC to meet me. Get Salman also. I mean Salman Khursheed, not Salman Khan. I am the Bigg Boss here, you know that, don’t you. I know you saw `Bodyguard’ on the flight to Frankfurt. But Rahul and Priyanka prefer SRK. You know that too, don’t you.

Rahul suggested we get Pranab and PC to tie friendship bands on each other’s wrists. I know it is not one of Baba’s usual gamechanger ideas but why not give it a try. You know how he gets upset when I don’t listen to his small desires and then he goes off in a huff to the countryside with that Digvijay Singh. I so disapprove of his company, I tell you. Can’t you put him as Governor somewhere?

By the way, today is also Dev Anand’s birthday. I wished him and he sent me an SMS saying he is shooting for his film `Solva Saawan in New York’. He told me he is delighted with his role in which he finally gets to play his age, as a 35-year-old bachelor. Since you are not too busy in New York, you must drop in at his sets. Take Gursharan also.

And before I forget, please tell your PMO not to release this letter under RTI. Remember, RTI does not mean `Re-Tweet to India’. 

So have a good birthday. Be a good boy. Don’t talk too much to the media, like you usually do.

Have fun.

Sonia Gandhi

 

 

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