Clint doesn't have a functioning arm. Phil doesn't have a functioning body. They make it work.

The first time Darcy gets kidnapped by a mad scientist, it is not her fault.

“Pirates is nowt but pilferers and ark ruffians,” the Bosun likes to say, with his special kind of homely wisdom (though Walt can’t rightly say where he hails from). “We aboard the Bravo, m’boy, are more rightly termed private men of war. Privateers for King and Country. To harry slaving corsairs is our dearest deed.”

Walt’s still a mite confused by the details, but being the sixth of seven on the farm left him few options to better himself until the day the Bravo’s white Lady Athena figurehead nosed into the harbor. Walt ain’t planning to question too hard about words.

Anyway, all’s to say that Cabin Boy to Captain Nathaniel Fick, Scourge of the Barbary Coast, sounds a damn sight better than Assistant Pig Keeper, a title Walt found cause to give himself in his head back home to feel like he was in some wise important.

Clint's got a secret love, and it's spelled b-a-n-j-o.

Tony knows he shouldn't sleep with Loki, it's just sometimes he's drunk and she's female and he forgets why.

Steve Rogers is a capable leader, a kind and cheerful man, a good friend, a strong role model, and a loyal soldier. He's also teetering on the edge of suicide.

Clint’s hands never shake. He can take down an enemy sniper at one hundred feet in driving rain while bleeding out from a bullet wound in the stomach (that’s not theoretical; he’s tried it) but his hands never shake.

As a child, Tony Stark spent a lot of time thinking about how cool it would be to meet Captain America. When it finally (improbably) happens, it doesn’t go at all like he’d imagined.

He’d pictured fewer insults, for one thing.

Warning: Crude humour. Probably NSFW (PG-13)
Category: Crackity crack! Like whoa!
Length: 4.10 (streaming or 70 MB DivX download)
Summary: Monty Python meets Supernatural

There’s only one team member that the Fischer and Rothchild jobs had in common, which means only one person who could theoretically tie the two cases together.

Whatever the FBI knows, Eames wants to know it, too.

A favourite characters picspam.

Katy. She's a Mathlete, and she plays in the marching band, and she sometimes sits with Alex in AP Physics, and she plays volleyball, which Alex thinks is really cool (she never used to, but lately, she thinks there's something vaguely impressive about it). And one time? One time, she asked Alex what the formula for torque was, even though Alex is, like, 99% sure she already knew it.

"Here's the rules," Mxy said before they could get sidetracked. Bat-Mite was his best buddy but he had a tendency to be scatter-brained. "You've changed bodies for forty-eight hours." He brandished a watch marked, improbably, up to "forty-eight o'clock." "You have to live each others' lives for that long. And if anyone guesses about the switch, the change will be...permanent."

harry potter and the deathly hallows pt. 2 for 20inspirations.

Theme: light/dark.

"Hello Captain, I see you are mostly clothed today! Felicitations!" Thor said, while Steve smiled weakly back.

He sketches out schematics for two new models of repulsor boots and a pocket water filtration system on the back of a napkin—he’s nothing outside of the suit, is he, well fine, he’ll show that frosted-over Americana has-been douchebag--and gets out of the car in a whirlwind of irritation and almost-but-not-quite falling on his face.

“Those curbs’ll sneak up on you, boss,” Happy says, a hand on Tony’s elbow to steady him, his face perfectly straight.

Tony doesn’t pitch a fit in the middle of the street, but only because Happy keeps a chart for that kind of shit and Tony’s over his quota for the month.

Steve wakes up in the 21st Century. He doesn't think much of it, and it's dubious about him. He meets a Norse God, joins a superhero team, and feels terribly awkward about the whole momument at Arlington he's rendered obsolete by not being dead. Meanwhile, Tony is trying to make his mark on history by being the man who finally drove Nick Fury over the edge.

Pencil drawings of Currahee and Doc Roe.

A voice - a voice which sounds distinctly like it’s cursing - drifts up from the tiny 'speakers'. Steve puts the phone back to his ear.

"Hello?" he tries again.

"You," the voice on the other end replies, dripping exhaustion and disdain. It sounds vaguely familiar, but he has troubles placing it, filtered as it is by the phone. "You're... you're the one with... shield. The blue… and star one...?"

There is a labored quality to the words, Steve realizes, and whoever is talking is breathing heavily between them.

"Who is this?"

Music: Destiny of Mankind by Two Steps From Hell (part of) & This Night by Black Lab
Genre: gen, AU, angst, drama, reveal!vid
Size: 135 MB (zipped, *wmv) download or stream
Length: 4:29 min

Title: Silence
Artist: Portishead
Movie: Minority Report
Format: DivX
Size: 52.9 MB
Summary: I’m tired of the future

At age five, Spock informs his mother that it is illogical to wish him “sweet dreams” at bedtime because Vulcans do not dream. “Oh, Spock,” she says.

summary: The way things fall.
music: eternal sorrow. two steps from hell.
size/format/length: 15MB, wmv, 1:40

Beautiful colouring, and a great choice of caps.

“Oh, that’s lovely,” Mallorie said enviously as she peered at the heavy copper-and-opal collar around Eames’ neck. “It suits you so beautifully.”

Eames puffed out his chest under her admiration. “He has exquisite taste, does he not?” he said proudly, turning to and fro so that the sunlight might catch the opals and set them ablaze like small bursting fires. He knew very well how impressive the effect was against his crimson hide. “He had it made particularly for me; he took one of my scales to the jeweler to make certain the colours were correct.”

Dean laughs. "Well, she has had to do all the baby work for nine months. It's only fair that she gets a break."

"That's what she said."

"And," Dean practically hollers, because Miss Patty has taken over the karaoke machine and she's even louder than Kirk, "She already did it with you, so you probably owe her a little bit."

"She said that too."

"You should probably get her a bell. She can ring it when she requires ice cream."

Rory's eyes widen. "You do a startlingly good Lorelai," she said. "I forgot that about you."

Eventually, they discover it's all McCoy's fault. “What!” he protests. “He came to me with his hand sliced open from that damn pig-sticker of his, and I told him to find a hobby with fewer monomolecular edges! It's sound medical advice!”

Jim steals the whiskey McCoy thinks he has hidden behind the condenser coils in retaliation. It doesn't really come close to making things even.

Music: "Adventures in Solitude" by The New Pornographers.

There are forces even the Royal Navy never counted on reckoning with.

"Forging Nullier," Neal said, almost admiringly, his nose two inches from the painting on the display easel. It was one of a pair of night scenes; shadowy hints at houses and trees in the foreground, red-gold sunsets in the background, the whole thing Impressionist-blurry. "That's ballsy. They did a good job, but these are definitely fakes."

Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel / Firefly / Serenity / Dr Horrible's Singalong Blog / Dollhouse
Song/Artist: This is the Picture by Peter Gabriel
Duration: 4:17 minutes
Summary: One story.
Spoilers: all

“I can’t believe this is the more sane topic of conversation,” Jeremy said as he leaned forward around her and addressed Dan, “but if you don’t play golf, how can you have given it up?”

“By declaring it.” Dan stood up. “I have given up golf,” he announced again. He looked around to make sure everyone heard him before returning to his seat. “See?”

Brad and his emotions have an understanding: he doesn't talk about, or think about, anything that might affect his combat effectiveness, and his emotions do whatever the fuck he tells them to.

Brad watches the last vestiges of land slip away. It's a familiar sight, exciting and frightening.

Music: Devendra Banhart
Source: Doctor Who (2005)
Summary: The Weeping Angels are coming.
Download: 49MB XviD

It isn't long before his own dreams stop altogether. He does have one straggler, coming a few months after he thought he'd lost the ability for good, and it confuses the hell out of him because it's too damn dreamlike to be the kind of dream he's now used to. Nothing stays the same for very long, and he keeps catching discongruities in the narrative.

"Well," he says aloud. "This architect is bollocks at realism, aren't they?"

And then he wakes up alone in his own bed, with an itching on his wrist at the site where no tube lies in the vein.

As with so many other things that have gone off the rails in the last year, it starts like this:

"All right," Nate says, and smacks his hands together. "Let's go steal a con artist."

"You go to college parties all the time," Tim grumbled, pulling his hand away from Abby's to suck grumpily on his chocolate milkshake.

"Yes," Abby agreed, "But I'm me and you're not."

Jimmy hummed like that made sense. Tim needed better friends. It was one college party; he'd be fine.

Description: An apocalyptic noir. If you run, he will chase you, 'cause he is the Lord. Dean/Castiel
Music: Sufjan Stevens "Seven Swans"
Download link: 64.2MB download, or youtube stream

I disapprove of nicknames, but in this particular story, I will use them. For the sake of brevity, not familiarity, and certainly not out of any misguided feelings of affection.

* * * A FINAL STATEMENT: * * *
In the spirit of honesty, I feel I must tell you the last sentence of the previous paragraph is a lie.

"So?" Crichton says, and he's got that smile on his face, the one with all the teeth, so D'Argo knows that whatever comes out of Crichton's mouth next will make no sense at all. "So, it's a dog!"

And so it came to pass that, on the third day of the second week of the sixth month of his time in Camelot, Jack Harkness came face to face with the Great Dragon for the first time.

Pre-series, ~those~ bonds, 1-0: Neal's accidentally working for the mob, Kate is probably considering a new client list, Mozzie's waiting for The Man and The Man is a little more amused than it should be.

Once Hardison has stopped spluttering, he stares at Parker in disbelief – because there is no way she said that, that’s just too weird, even for Parker (who can be plenty weird, with a side of bizarre-crazy-brilliant) - but then she opens her mouth and says it again, as if it’s his hearing that’s the problem.

“Saint Nicholas is our patron saint,” Parker says, again, more insistent this time.

“No,” he says, and then – fainter – “How, why, what, oh my god?”, trailing off into nonsensical protest.

Parker often has that effect on him.

"A nutcracker?" Nate repeated, one eyebrow cocked.

"A nutcracker," Sam said, settling into a chair and picking up a newspaper. G didn't miss the look of exasperation Sam gave him before disappearing behind today's headlines.

Nate turned to G. "The metal kind?" He made a squeezing motion with his hand. "Or one like the-- Oh," he said as G shook his head.

"No one told me there was going to be a concert," Gloria says, clapping.

"It was impromptu," Manny tells her.

Luke leans close to Alex so he can whisper, "What's that mean?"

For once she can't think of a lie, so she says, "Spur of the moment," and he nods. It'll be her good deed for the day, she figures. Besides, this morning she convinced him and Haley that "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" was really called "Hark! The Bare-Lipped Angels Sing," and that it was about all the angels who don't have mustaches. So. Even without a second lie today's already been a pretty huge success.

"Where did you come from?"

"Brunch," she said, as if it was the most logical answer in the world.

"It's 4:30 on a Tuesday afternoon."

"And?"

John Sheppard, who always does things on his own schedule or not at all, doesn’t freak out until four months after they lose Ford. That’s the word he uses on the rare occasions when he mentions the kid—“lose”—and it’s clear to Rodney that he means “temporarily misplace,” like Ford is a set of keys, the other blue sock, bound to turn up sooner or later as long as they keep looking.

"This is not a typical recon Marine operation," Nate says, serenely, refusing to take Ray's bait.

“Commander Spock, we have located your son,” the Vulcan lady on the screen says, which would be great, except Jim can tell by the look on Spock’s face that he’s never heard of this kid before in his life. “If it is expedient, the child will be sent to join you on the Enterprise within the week.”

The storm starts near dawn. Nothing spectacular. Just enough to fuck up her crime scene. Kate stands beneath an awning, cup of coffee in hand, watching CSU scramble to retrieve evidence. This case is going to be a bitch. Barely any trace to start and it's all headed for the sewers.

She sighs. Perfect.

"Well," Castle says, almost bouncing, "this certainly is an auspicious start."

"Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, do what seems most sensible, like that time we all had to draw Eliot naked," Sophie offers into the quiet, and Nate can hear her smiling.

"I would like to point out that I was very unhappy about that job," Hardison says carefully. "Surprise nudity in the workplace just makes everybody awkward."

"It wasn't exactly fun for me," Eliot complains.

"It was easy for you," Parker protests, a chirp of blunt honesty through the comms. "You just had to sit around naked all day."

Nate's fairly sure he can hear Eliot quietly smouldering somewhere upstairs.

"And not even upside down," Parker continues. "The last time I was naked I was upside down and it was cold, and no one drew me."

A strange deck of Tarot cards, a dying TARDIS, and UNIT's invasion of a coastal Welsh village lead Torchwood to investigate the disappearance of the Doctor, with some help from Sarah Jane and Luke Smith. This is a new incarnation of the Doctor, however, and none of them are prepared for what they find as they unravel the mystery.

When Peace Corps assigns Nate to East Timor, a tiny half-island in eastern Indonesia, he figures he'll have a lot of time to catch up on his reading. But the year is 1999, and the shock fall of military dictator Suharto is still reverberating throughout the country, triggering changes nobody ever thought possible. As East Timor moves inexorably towards freedom – or war – Nate is drawn into events that will define the future of the province forever.

“Sir.” Stafford straightens and looks Nate dead in the eye. “We’re trusting you to keep our asses covered, sir. Part of what makes us work is that we’re a team. We’re the team of the platoon, and we’re the team of each victor. Now I know you’re TL and shit for us, but if you don’t sleep soon, you’re gonna get us dead. And my momma ain’t gon’ like that.”

“And your…momma…” The LT purses his lips, and Q-tip knows he’s trying not to laugh. He can tell by the crinkles that line Fick’s eyes.

“She’s one bad bitch, sir. She’ll fuck your ass up.”

“So, for the sake of-”

“All of us, sir.” Q-tip informs him. “Because you get us dead, you gotta tell my momma, and then Gunny’s gonna have to tell your momma why my momma killed you. And then poor Gunny’s gonna have to tell Person’s momma why her little fucked up, retard, ADD, sister-raping dipshit ain’t coming home, and then Gunny’s wife is gonna have to kill Person’s momma for putting the moves on her man.”

Song/Artist: Bachelorette by Björk
Duration: 4:15 minutes
Summary: In the shape of a girl.
Spoilers: whole series
Download: AVI version, Xvid, 50.62MB | WMV version, 27.72MB | Stream at Bam Vid Vault.