Yet now, as we've instituted decade-long jail terms and unlimited fines for copyright infringers, it's time to take the next step in extending copyright terms even further.

So let’s talk about virginity. Virginity is fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with virginity. Virginity is just something you haven’t done yet, and there are a lot of things we never get to do, right?

You’re actually doing it. I mean, we’ve all dreamed of blow-drying our balls out in the open, but you’re actually doing it in front of me and at least sixteen other people that just finished exercising at this pricey sports club. Some of us will do it in private in our homes, or in a hotel room using a hairdryer a stranger might have just used to style their hair for that big business meeting in Denver. But not you. You are not confined to such social norms, norms that usually keep flapping, flag-like balls out of my eyes.

This makes for some awkward basketball. One brief session involved explaining that you cannot walk while holding the ball. The three-second rule has exposed our school system’s inability to teach kids to count higher than two. And, no, you will never, ever make that half-court shot. How do I know? Because the ball is landing on the free-throw line — that’s how I know.

The 10-click checkout system, known colloquially as 10CLICKFU -- which many loyal users believe stands for “10 Clicks For You” -- was recently awarded top honors by the National Alliance of Reconstructive Hand Surgeons. 10CLICKFU incorporates a variable number of clicks ranging from eight to upwards of fifteen, but eBay’s patent stipulates that any purchasing system that lies to you at least nine times about the “Now” part of “Buy It Now” is covered by their invention.

Hello, world! Today we're going to hear the story of Evil King Java and his quest for worldwide verb stamp-outage.1

MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com

MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com

Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com

AAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com

One1TheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com

On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up.

There’s an art to stuffing the maximum amount of coolness and success into 140 characters or less, and I’m basically the Da Vinci Code for how to do that. Here are 15 of my proven strat tips on how to really jack your follower count by making your Twitter bio as effective as possible at tricking people into thinking you’re important.

I was just dickin around on the glorious interwebs when I came across what might be the most racist team logo in sports history, if there wasn't a team named the "Redskins".

The Denver Invaders played in the Western Hockey league in 1963-1964 under the logo below.

Matt Cherette — Did you catch yesterday's ridiculous press release by Newt Gingrich's waning presidential campaign? Stephen Colbert wasn't prepared to give the statement a dramatic reading—"I don't think I've got it in me to convey the epic genius of this verbal spanking"—but luckily actor John Lithgow did have it in him, and on tonight's Report, he delivered.

Quotes from many sources. A particularly good source of quotes on this theme is: The Experts Speak: The Definitive Compendium of Authoritative Misinformation by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky (Pantheon Books, 1984).
This started out as a list of negative and pessimistic comments about new ideas, but, to provide some balance, I've begun to add a few overly enthusiastic and optimistic comments.

It was more fun that way than if I had seriously looked for her. And maybe happiness is a bit paradoxical like that: if you stop pursuing it, there are fewer places for it to hide. You just have to be listening when it says “I’m over here!”

When you think of great writing lessons, you usually don’t think of late-night TV hosts. But Conan O’Brien’s “People of Earth” letter was a pitch-perfect response to a crisis situation.

I mean that people still criticize me for not having room at the inn. They say to me, you couldn’t give a pregnant woman a room? You couldn’t give a room to the woman pregnant with the divine child? Couldn’t even spare a broom closet for the Baby Jesus?

Betteridge's Law of Headlines states that "any headline which ends in a question mark can be answered by the word 'no'".

1. Point to God.

2. Kiss necklace

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don't think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

1. Approach the sports bra with confidence, secure in the belief that you will wear it.

In this spot recorded for our flagship station, WNYC, Television's Alec Baldwin insists that you not donate to public radio, under any circumstances.

It was in this moment of bleak desperation that I rediscovered myself—in a burst of insight, I realized that for these past two long, painful years I had been content to lie to myself, to tell myself that it was okay to grovel. I had been pretending that it was acceptable for me to humbly ask somebody to do me the favor of hiring me, then to silently move on after the inevitable rejection. But no more! It was time for me to be honest with myself. I drove home in a euphoric daze, my drive-through order secure inside a grease-drenched paper bag in the seat next to me. As the shock from my epiphany faded away, I realized that I now knew exactly what needed to be done. I pulled into my neighborhood, parked on the curb, flung open the front door, dove for my laptop, and began composing my reverse job application.

// no comments for you
// it was hard to write
// so it should be hard to read

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

To be uncharacteristically serious for half a nanosecond, yes, Woot has signed an agreement to be acquired by Amazon. It shouldn't change anything much for us or you after the deal closes, we just figured you’d like to know a few details. You see, when two companies meet over drinks and some light jazz and decide they'd like to get to know each other better… You know what? Our CEO said it best in his letter to us employees...

Despite what many people --mostly in the computer field-- think, "login" is not a verb. It's simply not. Whether or not "login" is a word at all may spark a debate in some circles, but assuming it is then it may act as many parts of speech, but not as a verb.
I will repeat the important part for clarity: "login" is not a verb. It's simply not.

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

Auto suggestion of searches for "How do I get my girlfriend to" and "How do I get my boyfriend to"

Hilarious. "Which one is it?"

Someone once told me that there is nowhere we are more honest than the search box. We don't lie to Google. Period. We type in what we're thinking -- good, bad, and ugly. There's probably no piece of information that would better show what's on someone's mind than their stream of searches.

These can be found in just Photoshop; I can’t imagine what I’d find elsewhere in the suite.

The most common out of all these seems to be second one, Brightness Adjustment.
They’re all ugly. The only near-acceptable one is the Layer Style slider.
None of these looks like the standard OS X slider.

Historical tweet poking fun at 3/5ths compromise.

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that someone won’t mistake for the real thing.