"It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate."

flagged as fantastic
"We laughed for twenty minutes. I was tearing up, and Ronnie was wheezing like he was going to stroke out. I didn't even know where I was going with this idea. But it felt just so fucking wrong. In a good way. In a great way."

There's a job opening in a big Midwestern city: "We are seeking a creative problem-solver to run our large midwestern city. We have a sparkling lake, an internationally acclaimed downtown park, and a minor ($655 million) budget issue. / Applicant should demonstrate an abiding faith that he/she can balance the budget, improve the lives of residents, and distribute resources more prudently and equitably. Or at least that he/she can keep city from falling into the sparkling lake. / Candidate must have resided in city a minimum of one year, but exceptional applicants may receive "relocation" assistance from our Ghost Address Bureau. / We also offer a splendid benefits package, including chauffeur, bodyguards, personal physician, City Hall shoe-shine, choice seats at sporting and cultural events, and unlimited visits to our internationally acclaimed downtown park."

the bit about hearts at the end is the best.

chuckles

"The steps are: 1. Permute the array randomly using a quantum process, 2. If the array is not sorted, destroy the universe (checking that the list is sorted requires O(n) time). Implementation of step 2 is left as an exercise for the reader."

I forgot the name of this comic, so I googled "comic old illustrations bizarre text" and the del.icio.us post page was the top hit. thanks, series of tubes.

"Kyrgyzstan is the world's leading exporter of typos." Like Hodgman's book, but an atlas. Posting because of hand-drawn maps and the above line & an elephant thinking of Cote d'Ivoire as 'Cote d'Bloody Humans'

HOW TO deal with a solipsist

'real-world platform for temporary disengagement from social networking environments. create NO connections by scheduling NO events with other NO friends. NOSOs take place in designated public spaces. Participants remain unknown...'

Substitution of religious language for 'Economese.' Useful simplification?

Strummers' Law/Mick Jones' Law

I could only make it through the first verse.

(1) Uncle Josh was a strange old man who did comedic monologues for the cylinders 100 years ago, (2) Uncle Josh was hilariously confused by bicycles, automobiles, and omnibuses, (3) AWESOME web design!

kurt cobain suicide note b/w google ads. thnx to cory a.

very funny. Because of this thing I said 'vlog' at lunch yesterday. [via slavin_fpo]

hilarious

Whistler's Mother has "become so well known, such a part of the culture. What if there's a cartoon in The New Yorker that uses it as a reference? Younger students aren't going to know what it's talking about."

"Beulah's usual opening line, "Somebody bawl fo' Beulah??", often provoked a stunned, screeching sort of laughter among the audience; many of whom did not know that Beulah was voiced by a white man rather than an African-American woman."

he's writing what we're all thinking [via mefi]

'"This one's for you, Walt," the artist quipped late one night as he urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure'

"If you read the history of Fred Hampton, you won't see anything that bad," Ald. Haithcock said. "All he said is he was going to defend himself against policemen, and evidently he didn't because they murdered him."

"The Biblically possible shapes of the Earth"

Coulter referred to Tillman as "virtuous, pure, masculine like only an American male can be."

"The Chalkwell Ladies, Ms Edna Regis and Ms Susan Blairgowrie (aka Lorraine Bowen and Karina Towsend) are a fabulous tweed-suited duo."

Slavin's getting the 'how we roll' one for Pulaski Day. via gawker.

"If you possess at least one year of experience working aboard a sailing vessel, including six months as a sailmaker, you could be eligible for these positions!!"

george bush text adventure

aay showed this to me a long time ago & now it is here again.

via Tom Moody on Best of the Internet

the most bloodninja. via the internet archive

more bloodninja

this is one of those links that I saw long before I was on del.icio.us, and I'm now very happy to place here for safe-keeping. Hilarious detourned cybersex

fake is the new YOUR MOM // Oedipus Hex (there are better puns lurking out there)

"many were outraged that the character of the German submarine captain appeared smarter than the Americans."

"Yes, the imagineers have a lot of moves. But that's not why Michael McDonald is going to lose this fight I think."

the title sez it all

7 dirty words supreme court decision

mySQL injection for your music listings

ah, the good old days.

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