Charles is a magician. Erik is his demon.

Erik is a demon. Charles is his magician.

Together they're going to turn society upside-down.

Most people, when they break up, sort through their record collections, possibly chuck each other’s clothes onto the sidewalk, engage in soul-destroying coffee dates where they try to sort through the emotional debris, and then leave each other the fuck alone.

Clint and Natasha were never very good at acting like normal people, though, which is why they run a cafe together.

Young military Arthur goes to a sex worker to take care of his ~ass virginity problem.~ Finds an unexpected rapport, is drawn back repeatedly, falls in love, knows it's untenable for a dozen different reasons and doesn't say anything about it... you know the drill. Then the sex worker drops completely off the radar with no warning. Arthur panics, is heartbroken; represses the fuck out of it, forcing himself to move on. Several years later, they meet in dreamshare.

The reason SAS Captain Arthur Pendragon can't keep a communications specialist in Team Excalibur because none of them are good enough. And then Lieutenant Merlin Emrys gets assigned to his squad, and Arthur does everything he can to prove that Merlin isn't good enough, either. Except he is.

"He predates S.H.I.E.L.D. Everything we know about him are stories of legends."

Eighteen-year-old Tony Stark is the boy genius who woke Captain America, and now he's stuck with him. That's not a bad thing, but between Steve's wide-eyed wonder at the new world and Tony's little fanboy crush, the awkwardness just keeps happening.

When Thor fell, everything trembled.

Clint Barton is a) seventeen, b) only slightly addicted to porn and c) infatuated with Phil Coulson.

Anthony Stark, degenerate genius and impoverished nobleman, finds himself wedded to the painfully proper Steven Rogers. Will their marriage prove intolerable to the both of them, or will they find a happy equilibrium, instead?

Brad and the LT are always doing their eyefucking thing, with the LT's honest-to-fuck cocksucker mouth tilted up to one side and Brad letting his whole Iceman facade down. Even now, when they've finally stopped and the LT is here talking to Brad with his shiny green fuck-me eyes. (Not that Ray will ever tell Brad about the LT's mouth or eyes. Ray might be in a motherfucking war, but he doesn't have a death wish.)

Eames is a demon. Arthur is a priest. Predictably, they fall in love.

The first time Steve meets Toni is about a week after he wakes up.

Harvey Specter isn't just the best closer in New York, he might be the best closer in all of Major League Baseball.

"Fairly everyday stuff. If it's too mundane, I'll completely understand if you're not interested."

If he wasn't interested? Erik gave him a blank look, and the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop himself: "you did see my record, right?"

"Oh yes, that," Xavier said vaguely. "I did. Metal, isn't it? I suppose that's why you were touching that gate. Can't imagine it myself, having my own abilities restrained."

Harvey Specter wasn't the rich renegade badass that plucked Mike from his potential life of crime.

Tony Stark was.

Spock met Jim when he was 7 and Jim was 6. It has since been generally agreed that this was a mistake (or: the one where they grow up together and things are simultaneously better and worse for it).

“I promised your sister I would look after you, and that’s what I’m doing. Don’t forget, Charles, that you made this bed for yourself. Don’t blame me if you have to lie in it, too.”

He knew the calm before a storm when he saw it. And one had been brewing for weeks now.

Erik is a fisherman who lives in a cottage by the sea; it's a quiet, secluded life, and he enjoys it that way. Charles has a bump on his head, with no memory of why he was dangling off the side of a dock, unconscious and nearly frozen to death.

Erik Lehnsherr has been charged with the brutal murder of Sebastian Shaw. His case isn't looking very good until he meets the right lawyer.

Years later, Charles would remember that day. Sometimes he would wonder if he could have changed anything; other times he would despair over what he had since become. But he would always hold the image in his mind: Raven, laughing, and his thoughts flying alongside her on strong wings, silver-gold through the winter air. Once upon a time.

"My name is Nick Fury," he tells Raven. "And I'm here to talk to you about Cain Marko."

“The real question, mister swifter-than-the-wind,” she asks him, “is do you prompt, or do you fill?”

Loki raises an eyebrow at the question and, oh god, she’s in high school. This is high school all over again, and guys as hot as Loki don’t want the girl who wears glasses and has dumb hair. This is just like high school, except with more potential to get murdered.

But Loki seems pleased to ignore her minor breakdown in favour of leaning in and grinning, “Ms Lewis, I prompt and I fill.” The look in his eyes is just wicked.

‘I want to get married.’

At once, Arthur’s mouthful of rigatoni turned to cement. He kept chewing and chewing and chewing as the moment elongated, Eames watching him expectantly from across the table. After what felt like at least an hour, Arthur managed to swallow and said, rather stupidly, ‘What? Who to?’

Eames fixed him with a look of well-mannered exasperation. ‘Don’t be a twat, Arthur,’ he said.

‘Is there a reason for this?’ asked Arthur, not sure if he meant Are you drunk or Is this for a job? ‘What are we talking about, here? Do you want to move in with me?’

Of course Charles has heard the music. He has heard it on the radio, in Walgreen's, in the background of TV ads for expensive perfume and in the clubs (at least on the rare occasion that Raven manages to drag him away from work.) At some point, he has heard almost every bloody song in the man's entire sodding catalogue, and there was a point in 2010 where you literally couldn't go anywhere without hearing the summer smash hit 'Quicksilver'.

Jim Kirk got to grow up hearing about how his dad was the very ideal of a crusader for justice, a man who'd made the ultimate sacrifice for the lives and sovereignty of other beings.

So of course, Jim said fuck the hippies and went to law school.

The first thing Tony Stark said to Steve Rogers was, "Hey, you're Captain America."

The second was, "Here, hold this."

Basically, no one in London gave two shillings for what Arthur did, which was why Arthur liked London enough to sell books on architecture, design, and engineering at a bookshop called The Robie House, a name he'd chosen on a whim when he was signing the papers and regretted ever since.

Charles meets Erik Lehnsherr, his favorite novelist of all time at a coffee shop, but doesn't know it's him, and Erik just criticizes his own writing in front of his biggest fan.

An alternate universe (they're all not mutants, just human) where Charles is a social worker who fosters troubled kids, and one day he meets Erik, an ex-druggie/ex-convict (or whatever else, I leave it to anon to figure out which demons are chasing him) who reluctantly agrees to stay for only a while, but ends up staying for good and helping Charles to raise the kids. Awkward parenting ensues.

Erik is an A-list action star who is notoriously difficult to work with, until the day he gets cast alongside Charles Xavier, rom-com darling who can charm the pants off movie audiences the world over and apparently even one Erik Lehnsherr. The paparazzi catch them out and about soon enough, and their real-life Hollywood movie romance becomes instant tabloid fodder.

Infallible? Me? Come on. He had to be kidding. Only someone clearly off their rocker would put the likes of me up on a pedestal.

Repeat after me, Mr. Black: I do believe in commas. I do, I do.

(or how Arthur finds fruit secretly sexy)

PPS: If you're not making this up, then how do you know these things?!

Have the guilt and horror caught up with you? I daresay that Malfoy might be slightly displeased to know where his little Cissy-darling was last night and who she was with.

"They take care of the chickens at the farm, don’t you know?" the fox said. "Oh, I see. You must be new." It tilted its head. "Yes. I don’t recall ever meeting a human here who can talk to me before."

Arthur, prince of the gay porn industry is forced to work with newbie Merlin on Director John Draco's new movie based on the Arthurian legends... with a twist. Arthur's not very happy about it, and neither is Merlin.

(containing a travel diary, the story of a heist, and two point five romances)

Merlin wondered what Arthur knew of unicorn lore, but the glint in Arthur's eyes as he glanced from Merlin to the unicorn answered that. Arthur's smile became a warm smirk.

Lily, too caught up in her musings of James' room, had not noticed James at all. When Lily finally did look his way she was stunned with how heavily the attraction hit her. She began to wonder what it would be like to kiss him again. That was when the mantra started running through her head: "He's your professor..."

"As if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it', and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one."

"After all, you are our most prized art restorer."

They had taught him all about the physical size of it in the Academy, of course; he knew that the Galaxy was about twenty-five kiloparsecs across, which was the length of the old Route 66 about 2 x 1014 times over. He'd worked that out once, doodled in the margin of his notebook in class, but he still hadn't really comprehended it. Because every time it was impressed on him just how monumentally vast space was, all he heard was the potential for new planets to explore, new life and civilizations to find. And while that was true, he had never really grasped that in between lay vast expanses of emptiness.

"How’s it going?" the instructor asks, her voice a harmony, hovering nearby.

"Futilely," Spock volunteers at the same time Jim says, "Shitty."

As it turns out, the "citizen" is one Merlin Emrys, a former Lance Corporal for the Independents and a wanted criminal.

Jim quickly figures out he has to break the rules if he’s going to survive on the Enterprise.

There was something devastatingly cute about the mix of wide brown eyes, pale skin, pointed ears, and neat hair cut when packaged in a body barely over three feet tall and swimming in a blue science uniform top and dark undershirt that was entirely too big for his body.

However, it would, in fact, be illogical for you to beam down as the acting submissive. As you are captain of the vessel, they will expect you to be the "alpha male," so to speak.

In which Kirk gets beaten like a rented mule behind a bar, sulks about it for a significant period of time, is forced to endure Spock in eyeliner, and points that no one is ever going to buy what Spock's selling -- unless they train him up a bit.

His work is done. There will come a day, a millennium hence, when the greatest evil will walk the earth. Then shall Pendragon rise, and only then.

In which the subgenre of pon farr fic is mercilessly and lovingly deconstructed, with Wagner.

The first time Merlin had burst into flames (and Arthur made a note to remind Merlin, the next time Merlin complained about a 'life of forbearance and servitude to a man who makes no allowances for his advisors, and is in fact so unyielding, so sulkingly unyielding, that he will not even wear the thicker-soled boots with the yellow stain on the heel unless it is the second hunting Tuesday of the month, even when it is clearly raining outside', that Arthur’s thoughts regularly featured statements such as 'the first time Merlin had burst into flames')—the first time Merlin had burst into flames, absolutely without warning, Arthur had not managed even the moment of calm he was desperately grasping at now.

The Enterprise is ordered to pick up a Vulcan Healer and transport him to the new colony. Once there they are scheduled to remain and assist with the early stages of setting up the colony. Kirk's liaison is his 'old friend' Ambassador Spock, now known as Elder Sepak, who takes the opportunity to help Kirk and Spock become better acquainted.

Sarek of Vulcan, Ambassador to Terra,

Under the Most Vigorous Protestations
and
Gravest of Concerns,

Miserably Alerts Social Peers

of the
Marriage
of his

Only Child and Deeply Valued,
Extremely Intelligent Daughter,

Spock,
of Sarek,
of Vulcan,

to

Some Human

Desperate to get over his feelings for Merlin, Arthur assigns him to a new knight at Court, Sir Gawain, only to watch helplessly as Gawain and Merlin get on far too well. Even with Morgana's help, winning Merlin back doesn't turn out to be as easy as Arthur had hoped.

"Please don't go by C. Pine. I will end you. See also: C., Whitelaw, or Chrissy. Princess Whitelaw's good. Nothing Pine-related either."

Almost immediately, a text in return: "Have you noticed how many times you threaten to kill me per day?" Followed by: "You're the Dread Pirate Roberts to my Westley, aren't you?"

"Dude," Zach replies, shaking his head, "Isn't that masturbatory at some point? DON'T WRITE ABOUT IT IN YOUR PAPER."

Jim, I swear to fucking GOD. Is this shit you? IS THIS YOU? What the fuck are you planning? No, don't tell me. I can't bear to hear it. The universe record holder for largest confirmed orgy is something in the neighborhood of 300+ sentients, and that was in a planet that engages in psychic sex -- THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN BEAT THAT, ALL RIGHT?

Freshman classes for years to come will know the legend of Erik Lehnsherr, Alpha Beta Gamma's most notorious president. They'll hear the hushed whispers of the boy who skipped pledge week and got inducted anyway; they'll try to figure out how he planned it, when, why. They'll get drunk on the lawn and tell tales of how he'd crashed the initiation ceremony, a cock-sure freshman with a handle of vodka in him, without even breaking a sweat. They'll talk about Erik like he's some kind of god, and Charles will smile indulgently at them and bite his tongue, too amused to tell them the truth.

Charles has always been a good boy.

"My name is Charles Xavier," he says. "I hear you're a decent drummer."

Irene sets out to reclaim her diamond. Only nothing’s ever that simple, is it?