In which Kirk and Spock have had sex half a dozen times, but this time it counts.

He knew the calm before a storm when he saw it. And one had been brewing for weeks now.

Traumatized by his experience on Tarsus IV, Jim Kirk runs away to Vulcan to undergo kolinahr.

This is not exactly what Jim thought the 'exploring strange new worlds and exotic civilizations' was about. Also, Vulcans are kind of crazy. Jim and Spock go through a alien ritual, which, yes, changes everything -- he's hoping for the better. Spock just wants to get through this with his sanity, if not his dignity, mostly intact.

Non-Starfleet AU. Jim owns a small bar in Chicago, keeps on picking up strays and taking care of everyone no matter how hard it makes his own life. Spock is a journalist writing feature articles for the Chicago Tribune; he depicts the world with uncanny skill, but hides more than one personal drama and is possibly under surveillance from the Vulcan royal family. They meet by accident just before their lives start to spin out of control.

It takes Jim a few minutes of standing in the corridor staring at Spock's door before he realizes why it didn't work. They always take their meals together. And, Jim realizes, he always smiles and flirts with Spock. Spock had no idea anything was going on at all. Perhaps he needs advice.

He's not himself. Then, though his face doesn't move in the here and now, he feels himself give a low, soft chuckle. He hears it, and doesn't recognize the sound. Then the older Kirk claps his shoulder and squeezes it and says through the laughter, "Spock, you didn't really think I--"

He knew his friend was puzzled by Spock and Uhura, but the fact that Jim seemed to be pining over the woman confused him. He had a high measure of respect for Uhura for flat out denying Jim. It was good for the captain to know that he wouldn’t get everything he wanted, but Bones was tired of seeing him act like a sullen child about it.

For a genius, you’re a goddamn idiot.

As much as Kirk tried not to let himself be influenced by old Spock's memories of the future, even he had to admit that he was having difficulty. It wasn't any specific event that bothered him, but the whole tone of the bridge was different. Spock was different. In old Spock's memories, Kirk had felt the two of them like two halves of a single whole, two sides of the same coin. They worked together like a well-oiled machine. He barely had to give an order before Spock had already carried it out, often anticipating him even before Kirk himself knew he was going to make the request. But that was old Spock and his Kirk. This was different, and after experiencing that sort of connection, the difference was frustrating.

"It isn't until things quiet down-- really quiet down-- that Kirk is able to let his brain come out of action mode and start processing everything that's happened to him."

Jim was never prone to insomnia. Not during his incredibly rigorous course-load at the Academy. Not the night before he broke into the lab to reprogram the computer to let him beat Spock’s little no-win scenario. Not ever, when it came down to it. So the idea that Jim was having sleepless nights because the Enterprise was on its first mission, which was a simple ferry ride to bring the Andorian Ambassador back to Andoria, was ludicrous in the extreme. Especially in light of the fact that it was only a few weeks since Jim and the Enterprise had saved Earth and pretty much the rest of the Federation along with it and that hadn’t kept him from sleeping. Then again… he was only acting Captain then and this mission was official…

"I am, as you know, aware of your relationship with your Captain. Were our people not so endangered I would not ask this of you. But with the future of the Vulcan race in dire jeopardy, I must request that you return to New Vulcan to take part in the koon-ut-kal-if-fee with a new mate of our choosing."

It was clever, Kirk thinks, shackling them within reach of each other. Your garden-variety evil aliens would've known to chain them up so they could see each other-- that's a piece of cake to an experienced torturer-- but this, tying them up with enough give on the chains so they can reach out to each other-- is really cruel.

"How about this: you're ten kinds of a mess, chasing every set of legs in skirts or pants all over campus, you probably have twelve different diseases that haven't been diagnosed yet and I don't even need to count the ones that have, and you're a self-absorbed, emotionally stunted asshole who falls in and out of bed with someone new on a daily basis, if not hourly."

When the Enterprise is asked to transport Vulcan colonists to their new home, Spock Prime comes with them. His presence changes everything – and leads to life-altering revelations for Jim and Spock.

He knows who the boy is--one James T. Kirk, lauded across the nation for his amazing skill at the trumpet. He goes to Columbia, if Spock recalls correctly, where he double-majors in Music and Jazz Studies and minors in Mechanical Engineering.

"You are in love. Wait, should I put this in something you’ll understand?" Bones clears his throat, stands up taller, and folds his hands behind his back, raising a single eyebrow. "Fascinating, Cadet. It seems you have taken an infatuation to another person of superior status to you in the Academy."

Jim quickly figures out he has to break the rules if he’s going to survive on the Enterprise.

"Spock. Just say 'I don't trust Starfleet not to mess up the only captain in the fleet who I can train up to my expectations and enjoys running into danger wearing a blindfold as much as I do'."

He has spent ten long years attempting to reconstruct what was nearly destroyed, and now he is lucky if he can last from breakfast to lunch without nodding off. Spock will die before his father and that both comforts and terrifies him in ways he does not care to closely examine.

If there were ever a definition of too much of a good thing, Spock showing up in his office with a second Jim Kirk while the first one was licking his swollen lips and grinning like a demon.

James T. Kirk doesn't get passionate about something unless it has breasts. Leonard McCoy knows this. And then something changes.

Bones didn't notice anything unusual for the first twenty-four hours after they passed through the ion storm. There were the usual lingering headaches and dizzy spells, but that was to be expected and was nothing out of the ordinary. So when he arrived on the bridge the next day and was immediately bombarded by a barrage of chatter that seemed to be being transmitted directly into his skull, his first thought was that he had suddenly gone batshit insane and was hearing voices.

The captain cannot know about touch telepathy—he has encountered it, but it is likely that he assumes that the psi points are the only way of telegraphing; it is likely that it was an errant fantasy. Though it was… fascinating. And rather stimulating.

Contrary to popular belief, James Tiberius Kirk has not slept with the entire crew of the USS Enterprise. No, really.

In which Kirk gets beaten like a rented mule behind a bar, sulks about it for a significant period of time, is forced to endure Spock in eyeliner, and points that no one is ever going to buy what Spock's selling -- unless they train him up a bit.

Jim is bitten by a creature that sucks his life force, and Bones and Spock try to cure him while he's dying.

Detective Spock, born on Vulcan and resident of San Francisco, is assigned to the Midwest police bureau. I think everyone can guess what happens next.

The first time Spock woke up with the captain in his bed, it was because of the very strangeness. There was some sort of cool, clinging blanket wrapped around him. There was also a smaller point of heat pressing against his shoulder blades, but that he easily identified as Tribble, Ship's-Cat 3rd Class (Under Fifty Pests Exterminated). He and the ship's-cats did not, exactly, get along, but they frequented his quarters because of the higher heat, and often curled up around him when he was in the rec areas. He did not find it unacceptable to share his bed with them or allow them to sit near him. He was always slightly cold, and the creatures were a welcome source of radiated heat. The other presence, however, was unexpected.

"Damnit, Spock, we're your friends, not some human laboratory specimens!"

It’s not every day you catch a Vulcan jerking himself off.

In which the subgenre of pon farr fic is mercilessly and lovingly deconstructed, with Wagner.

Five Things that Scotty Noticed and Didn’t Mention to the General Public, And One Thing That Spread Around the Enterprise Within Five Minutes of him Seeing It.

"We're talking about sex, Spock. You calling me captain now takes it to a whole new level of kinky."

"Can the most famous film star in the world fall for just an ordinary guy?"

Uhura hates James T. Kirk because he never seems to do what is expected. Things get messy when Jim makes Spock do unexpected things in return.

McCoy knew that he had issues, he didn’t have to mull them over every other second to make sure they were still there.

McCoy has always lamented Jim's poor impulse control.

"Incredible gay sex, keptain."

The answer is √π233/hy7. Has been for all three months of the first semester. Jim's not sure why the galaxy's best and brightest haven't realize that, but it's not his school, not his problem.

"It would seem that a side-effect of this repression is that all of my sexual urges have been repressed as well. This is not uncommon, as most Vulcans only mate when biologically driven to."

McCoy got full custody of Joanna. Jim ran away from Starfleet. They meet in a barn in Georgia and life goes on.

None of this makes any sense, really. Jim's barely laid a hand on her, if he doesn't count the occasional hand-up over difficult terrain, or accidental (mostly accidental) groping when an explosion throws his bridge crew around, and Jim doesn't count that, because if he counted that he'd be at third base with Keenser by now.

McCoy’s been an agent for a long time, and a young, cocky, obnoxious new partner is exactly what he doesn’t need, dammit.

Sarek of Vulcan, Ambassador to Terra,

Under the Most Vigorous Protestations
and
Gravest of Concerns,

Miserably Alerts Social Peers

of the
Marriage
of his

Only Child and Deeply Valued,
Extremely Intelligent Daughter,

Spock,
of Sarek,
of Vulcan,

to

Some Human

"Yeah, no, we're not playing analyze the human for fun and profit tonight, thanks. Either get me out of here or get the hell out and I'll figure this out for myself."

Spock accompanies his parents to an Earth resort where Jim Kirk is a dancer. 'Dirty Dancing' redux.

He's been a good Captain. It isn't his own ego talking, although it does tend to echo across the galaxy on a good day. He's seen the peer reviews his crew sent in, seen the overwhelming praise that's been sent to Starfleet on his behalf. And yet here he is on his mostly deserted ship filling out paperwork to send them scattered across the universe because not one of them wishes to remain with him.

Spock considered carefully before responding. "I suppose I may never understand cheating." Kirk nodded slightly, "Give it time."

Of course Spock is the one who programmed it, and of course, he's there at the trial. Kirk will look back on that later and realize it's not as accidental as it seemed.

Spock, who has just experienced intense emotional compromise, has no desire to do so again. And so, while Kirk assumes the captaincy, he goes to his quarters and meditates. He finds the place within his mind where he built the mental shields that separated him from T’Pring. Behind those telepathic walls lie the remains of his bond. As he examines the shields for damage, he is aware that something is behind them. It flutters faintly, like a baby bird genre:fluffing its tiny wings. It does not feel like death – it feels, strangely, like birth. But Spock will not risk exposing himself to a broken mind link. Down that path lies madness. He doubles the barriers, reinforces his defenses between the shattered bond and his mind, and the awareness disappears.

After the bar fight, Nyota thinks to herself that if this is what being hit on by Jim Kirk leads to, she’s very glad she’s never going to have to see him again.

"Commander Spock, we have located your son," the Vulcan lady on the screen says, which would be great, except Jim can tell by the look on Spock’s face that he’s never heard of this kid before in his life. "If it is expedient, the child will be sent to join you on the Enterprise within the week."

Jim thought it was just a one night stand until McCranky turns out to be his Professor McCoy.

Scotty nods sagely. Then he realizes that he doesn't know what the thing is. He is gripped, nay... tightly gripped by the need to know. He leans forward and gazes earnestly at the captain.

And having it confirmed, that Spock was actually begging for credits, almost shocked him speechless again. But not quite. "What are you doing here?"

After the destruction of Vulcan, Spock shielded his mind to protect it from his broken bond with T'Pring. Little did he know another bond had already formed in its place.

Transitioning from "hating each other's guts" to "friends" to something more takes a lot of work, on both their parts, but it isn't until after they start spending the bulk of their free time together that Jim actually bridges the gap between the theoretical knowledge that Spock is a humanoid alien and truly understanding it.

Granted, he doesn't have much experience with weddings, but Jim Kirk is still fairly sure that you're not supposed to wake up, five hours before you're due at the altar, in bed with your best man.