Harry Potter is an Unspeakable. Draco Malfoy is the wizard who shagged him. Adventure! Intrigue! Secret identities, celebrities, spies! It's all right here, folks.

"You've always been obsessed with Malfoy, Harry. That should probably tell you something."

When Harry starts to have erotic dreams about his godfather, he questions his sexual preference. The real issue turns out to be even more complicated and disruptive. Then there's Draco.

"I understand your father likes the Muggles. Do you know anything about their blasted copy papering machines? Every time I put a roll of parchment in the tray it tells me I'm making jam."

Well, term started today, and it seems the pressing issue this year is how Harry, Hermione, and Ron will pair off.

From the moment he saw her, Arthur knew there was something special about Molly Prewett.

"I realise this may come as a shock to you, but our investigations have been going on for some time, and we’re quite sure. Your mother Lily Evans was not, as we had all previously believed, of pure Muggle stock. One of her ancestors was a Veela."

In which Hermione finds herself again following her divorce, becomes re-acquainted with old enemies, and nearly everyone takes their clothes off.

"What? Like girls don’t wonder about these things also?"

It takes a few years for the magic to settle in. It's a complicated process, this replication of life, and when Harry Potter finally blinks for the first time he has been dead for six years.

The last thing Harry wants is to lose his kids.