[fireandice] (18.35): If, on the other hand, you’re writing, as I suspect you are, for Midgardian fangirls, then get straight to the point. Armour off, shield down, straight to the fighting and fornication.

[hammer_time] (18.37): What’s a “fangirl”?

[fireandice] (18.38): Don’t be disingenuous. If you didn’t want me to know what Livejournal communities you frequent, you should have picked a less obvious username, oh God of Thunder.

"Angel, we called this intervention because -"

"Wait. Intervention?" This was definitely the first time anyone had used that word.

Cordelia plowed on, ignoring him. "Because you've seemed a little, well, down lately."

"Buffy died. The world almost ended. The wheels came off my rolly chair. It's been a tough week."

By the time he had teamed up with the one that looked like a very young Tristan, and the one that looked like Bedevere, if Bedevere had been a changeling, or, at least, vaguely fey, he still had not found Merlin.

“What the fuck, McKay!” John yelled. “I can’t take you anywhere!”

"Can he understand us?" Sam wanted to know.

"Yes." Radek Zelenka waved a hand in Rodney's direction. "524,287."

"Ook."

"42,961."

"Ook-ook."

@dr_dr_mckay is stuck in a jumper at the bottom of the ocean & needs your help! Please RT!!

This is fic in which RODNEY IS A UNICORN AND JOHN IS A RAINBOW.

This is a fucking commie story. You think it’s all about the importance of trying new shit, but that’s not what it’s about at all. It’s about harassing innocent children into becoming fucking commies. Don’t read your kids this shit. It will turn them into America hating commies.

Great. Rudy poisoned us with his Zen health crap and now we're all going to go crazy, vomit rainbows, and die. Thanks Rudy!

"That was weird."

It was a testament to Ariadne's love of the English language (because she loved to watch ideas be constructed, even linguistically) that she was distracted from the current predicament enough to say, "I am going home, slapping some glitter on a trophy, and making you the Understatement of the Year Award you so very much deserve."

It was not a testament to anything regarding Arthur that he stuck out his tongue, flipped both of them their very own bird, and shouted, "Fuck you, fascists!" Then he kicked a table over.

"Gosh," said Eames in a tone that tread a careful line between wonder and deep-seated fear. He pushed his thick glasses up his nose.

DON'T SET YOUR KIDS ON FIRE. I really can't say that enough.

Every single day, the same position,
Fighting for supremacy.

Meet John Watson, the world's first consulting psychic detective. And meet Sherlock, his ghost.

Mike and Harvey wake up in Vegas. It's pretty much all downhill from there.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a text in possession of more than a passing reference to a certain literary work that shall not be named, must begin with the phrase 'It is a truth universally acknowledged'.

Erik is the extremely talented, extremely scary chef at one of the top restaurants in New York, and Charles, the head waiter, is the only person with the balls to stand up to him. Their fights are the stuff of legend, and their argument over the Valentine's Day menu turns into one for the history books.

So then, because he’s Hardison, he created a fandom.

“Expecto Patronum,” he says, in a clear, deep voice, and a thin silver light streams from his wand, expanding to take the form of -

“Huh,” John says, as Sherlock drives the Dementors back.

"Come on," John said, "You can't tell me no one's ever thought to try that."

“Get up, John,” Sherlock says, in a tone that has John jerking upright in bed, immediately, and grappling for his gun in his bedside drawer, even as he says, “Sherlock, what is it?”

Incomprehensibly, Sherlock simply says, “Voldemort.”

Erik Lehnsherr, world renowned wilderness survivalist, alongside his husband, Charles Xavier, survive the perils of the wild in order to bring you, Two Men, One Knife, an award winning reality survival series, available only on the Discovery Channel. Follow Erik and Charles as they travel to the world's most remote locations with only the most basic of supplies. Pitted against nature, this husband-husband team struggle to survive in some of the world's harshest climates while battling the planet's fiercest predators. Can they survive the Canadian North? Find out next season, on Two Men, One Knife.

Bones pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright, let me get it straight. A good chunk of the crew saw you and the hobgoblin trying to suck each other's faces off, but you're insisting that you've never kissed and that you're just friends. Oh, and let's not forget the little detail that both of you have girlfriends."

Harry returns from vacation with an unfortunate case of vampirism and must learn to cope with blood, Malfoy, and recalcitrant secretaries. And if that doesn't tell you everything about the plot you need to know, you haven't read enough badfic.

The entire female population of Sunnydale has turned into rampant lesbian nymphomaniacs, and only the Magic Penis of Re-orientation can save the day!

In which Cobb decides two babysitters are better than one, Saito proves that money can buy happiness, and Eames is excellent with children. Oh, and Arthur's a fucking Disney princess.

Parody endings to An Ideal Grace (aka how Erik could have found out, but didn't).

Arthur likes to invent things. And grow mustaches. He's a man of many facets.

Arthur found himself staring deeply into Eames' eyes, which were very serious. "Don't worry," Eames assured him, "I'm a level eighty-five ret paladin."

“The real question, mister swifter-than-the-wind,” she asks him, “is do you prompt, or do you fill?”

Loki raises an eyebrow at the question and, oh god, she’s in high school. This is high school all over again, and guys as hot as Loki don’t want the girl who wears glasses and has dumb hair. This is just like high school, except with more potential to get murdered.

But Loki seems pleased to ignore her minor breakdown in favour of leaning in and grinning, “Ms Lewis, I prompt and I fill.” The look in his eyes is just wicked.

As it turns out, fighting crime is the easy part.

“Uh…” Steve isn’t really sure how to phrase his issue in the form of a message. He clears his throat, and regroups after only a beat of hesitation. “I just got a phone call from Loki.”

To start with yes, he had filled several little leather-bound diaries with childish scrawls of red ink that read things like, “Die Thor” and “You never really accepted me!” And then he'd attended a few sessions of primal scream therapy and taken a modern dance course at the local community college. Between finding a constructive way to express his anger and making some lovely friends that he still had tea with every Wednesday afternoon while they chatted manicures, fashion, and lap dogs, he felt much more comfortable in his own skin these days. All it had really taken was escaping the poisonously macho atmosphere of Asgard, which according to Kevin was something like living in Omaha and not being interested in Football.

Tony is the only one who can defend Steve's virtue. Tony hates his life.

After Magneto of an X2-ish future succeeds in the unthinkable, Charles sends his consciousness back to 1962 to guide Erik away from the path that will lead to the genocide of the human race forty years hence.

Charles knows that Erik has always loved him, and intends to use this knowledge + sex to seduce Erik away from his ideals in his youth.

There's no way this well-thought-out, sensible, debugged and 100% bulletproof plan can possibly go wrong.

For Zach's 34th birthday, J.J. Abrams give him the reigns of the Star Trek reboot franchise and tells Zach to give him a script, a cast, and a shooting schedule by the end of the summer. Not to be left out, Chris helps out by turning the original screenwriters' swamp of notes into a shooting script and John takes over casting duties. Despite three months of whining, cereal, sighing, whining, and cross-country banter, they might just manage to get this movie together and make something new of their careers.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Geek Chorus (A Bunch Of Very Nice Women [Mostly] Who Write Stories Set In Various Popular Fictional Worlds, With Lots Of Crazy Sex)
Delicious (A Website, Home To Many Cherished Links)
Sandy (A Representative For Diigo)
Maciej Cegłowski (A Pinboard Developer With A Keen Business Sense And A Somewhat Odd Yet Sort Of Endearing Epic Grudge Against Bedbugs)
Longtime Pinboard Users (A Demographic Largely Consisting Of Tech-Oriented Men)
The Monsterdoc (A GDoc That Could Seriously Fuck Your Shit Up)
The OCD!Anons (A Subset Of Fandom With A Lot Of Spare Time And A Fetish For Consistent Margins)
Johannes (Some Guy From The Internet)

Obviously, it was not just any sort of egg.

"Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?"

Merlin was no expert, but the minstrel troupe's performance in the courtyard seemed to be going fairly well until the dragon landed on the roof of the Great Hall.

Because, really, why wouldn’t the slash dragon’s fire create a slash sword?

And then he knew his future was going to be wretched, after all, because Arthur's countenance turned gleeful and he shouted to the hall, "Merlin's the Maiden!"

"But not – Rose, the ending is all wrong." At her uncomprehending stare, he took the book from her hands and flipped towards the end. Pointing at the offending line with one finger, he twisted the book back towards her. "See? Harry marries Hermione."

Anhora was really in no mood for a game of Poker. But it was a Thursday. And Thursdays were Poker Nights. The firewhiskey was in, nibbles were on the table, and as usual the other two were late. He knew that when they arrived there would be the usual excuses. "Death-Eaters got into the school," or "I had to help destroy the One Ring." There was always something with those two. Like being Keeper of the Unicorns was less important than either of their jobs.

In which Merlin accidentally turns himself into a girl for a few days, because sometimes these things just happen.

Arthur’s food taster had come back to the kitchens and within ten minutes had been trying to get a hand or two down everyone’s pants. Gwen had been the one to guess the cause and Merlin had immediately thrown himself out of the kitchen, nearly knocking over a few servants on his way.

Arthur, Merlin, frat brothers, the Dragon, Arthur's BlackBerry, script writing, shitty hip-hop music, Dogma, FATE & DESTINY - oh God I wish I were joking.

Arthur is the Royal Arbiter for Suitable Suitors' Disputes. He (and his trusty companion, the golden-dragon-tasselled hat) alone can determine who is fit to woo royal servants and other assorted courtiers in Uther's court.

"Please tell me you mean you’ve taken in this badly tempered creature and named it after the Prince as a show of goodwill." "Sorry," Merlin says.

"LA LA LA I'M PRETTY"

This story officially starts a few pages back with Mysterious Happenings That Arthur Has To Look Into followed shortly by Merlin Being Deeply Concerned And Following His Prince Into Danger, but that bit’s boring and I won’t waste either of our times on it, so let’s just start with Arthur and his knights and Merlin trapped in The Virgin Cave.

Merlin joined Facebook. 2:47am

Just as the thought crossed his mind, the road directly in front of them exploded.

Mr and Mrs Burton were your average Wizarding couple, married for 3 years, and hoping for children. Needless to say, they weren’t expecting to be called into Hogwarts by Albus Dumbledore, only to be told that Mrs Burton was carrying Merlin, father of Magic.

(or how Arthur finds fruit secretly sexy)

Jack finds a hand.

PPS: If you're not making this up, then how do you know these things?!

2010: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is released, a film based on the novel of the same name. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences experiment with having the Academy Awards (or "Oscars") decided by popular vote. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows sweeps the field, winning a record 19 Oscars.

He held the drill up to Draco’s forehead, and then pressed until it bit into flesh.

justice is hot: hi
justice is hot: a/s/l?
Yagami Raito: Oh, but I'd much like you know your name, first.
Yagami Raito: Maybe you can send a picture of yourself, as well?
justice is hot: initial reaction to strangers similar to that of kira's... 80%, now

They’d sit! And they’d post! Oh, they’d Post! Post! Post! Post!

"O HAI," the cat said.

He will become Misa's bitch! In other news: parents all deadified.

Have solved first serial killer case. Kind of like serial killers. A seme always knows another seme.

"Did the Mayor send you? Just deliver your message and get out."

Ryuk keeps offering to 'make the change' with me, but I do not think that means what he thinks that means.

"But Ligur's male! Isn't he? This is very -- who? Who's the -- other father?"

Impersonating a cleric, Jack, weren't you even listening to the reasons they're going to kill you? And anyway, after you pretended to marry them you took the bride off for a quiet word and seduced her.

Magic users are dangerous. They’re unstable. The magic rots their brains, causing them to become criminally insane. There were pictures of it in all of Arthur’s school books. This is your brain. This is your brain on magic.

Reflexively, the Dragon dropped the little carved figures he had clutched so carefully in his talons, his eyes widening.

Why waste his energy for running, he wondered, if his magic could do the running for him?

I turned him into a dragon.

Out of all the reactions Merlin may have expected Arthur to have to the "I've been talking to the dragon under the castle"-thing, insane laugher wasn't one of them.

In the end, they came up with a Plan™.

"The Holy Grail?" Merlin said at last, looking amused. "You couldn't think of something a little more plausible? Something you might actually find?"

"We've just found out that the greatest wizard in history is a gigantic bum-burglar. And he's a tart. He came on to us."

He took quick stock of the situation, and allowed a moment of mourning for the times in his life when being in women's clothing wasn't the least of his worries.

Just shut up and give us something to make it stop burning.

The first time the dragon told Arthur his destiny was some idiot named Merlin, Arthur laughed. Loudly. And at length.

We’re secondary characters in a children’s fantasy series. Remus doesn’t like the name but we’re calling this little group PISSA. Means Popular and Ill-treated Slash Ships Anonymous.

"They’re just cats, Morgana," she said calmly. "How hard could this be?"