Rodney McKay is rich, gorgeous and at the top of his game—except someone just moved the goalposts! Now Rodney realizes he is sorely lacking the one status symbol that everybody seems to have…the perfect family. Rodney needs help, so he hires a relationship coach. Single-dad John Sheppard may be an expert, but not when it comes to his own relationships! And every day he spends with Rodney makes him wish that he could be the one to fill the vacancy in Rodney's life.

"You're not a very good Jedi, are you?" the Sith Lord said.

"Oh, excuse me, I am an excellent Jedi," Rodney said.

"You take me to the nicest places, McKay."

"Did you know," Rodney said, sitting down across from Sheppard in the mess and automatically reaching over to snatch away John's chocolate Snack Pack, "that you and Samantha Carter graduated from the academy the same year?"

John set down his half-finished turkey sandwich and shoved a few crinkle fries around his mostly-full plate, looking inscrutable.   "Did we," he said.

John had totally, totally, been holding out on Rodney.

"You can’t have it both ways, Colonel. If you haven’t had any relationships, either you’re having the occasional one-night stand or you’re not having sex at all.”

Also known as the (mostly) believable Virgin!John story.

"You can't make a sub the military commander of Atlantis," Ford said.

John Sheppard hates to fly. He’s hated it since he was 15, his father crash-landing just north of Edwards Air Force Base and his mother fainting on the kitchen floor. It’s terribly inefficient as a means of propulsion (the fuel to payload ratios are completely insane) and the process is distasteful (taking off your shoes in public should never be required), not to mention the service near negligent (only offering nut-based products to a captive audience).

He'd been living like this long enough to know what being scared felt like, and yet this wasn't like any of that. Rodney hadn't wanted to know so that he could hurt John or laugh at him or pigeon hole him as the bratty rich boy. He'd wanted to know John, and John knew that if he could keep from running, he might finally be free.

As Major Lorne tells it, John had stayed behind to buy them time and defuse the bomb—it had been Ancient, and thus of *course* he’d assumed that it would do whatever he told it to.

The day after they ordered Lorne back to Earth, John got a visit from Cadman. She stood in his office at attention for thirty seconds before she managed, “Sir, permission to speak freely,” and he gave it to her.

An Ancient device gives John unexpected (and unwelcome) insight into the relationships of Johns and Rodneys across the multiverse.

“John Sheppard had a son? And he plays the violin too? What is he, a masochist?”

The day the McKays moved into Eureka Jack got approximately a dozen phone calls from Fargo, who was hiding under a desk in his office at Global Dynamics.

"Do you know when I last saw Rodney McKay?" Fargo whispered through the telephone line. "I last saw Rodney McKay when he was threatening to kill me using a protractor during a seminar he was leading in graduate school! This was before he started to lose his hair! Can you just imagine what a safety threat he is by now?"

Rodney McKay is a maligned scientist, kicked out of his cushy post at a leading university. When no other school will hire him, he falls back on his high school hobby--inventing simple items to help around the house. The problem is, his abrasive personality makes selling his brilliant inventions hard. Enter John Sheppard, king of late night infomercials. John's sure his good looks and charm can help sell Rodney's products, but first they'll have to sell John to Rodney...

Things proceed a little different than planned for the Expedition when they find the city of the Ancients already somewhat occupied. By mermaids. Rodney especially doesn't expect one of those mermaids (mermen?) to fixate on him of all people.

In an alternate universe where John Sheppard is a science fiction writer, he's getting his ass kicked by writer's block and moves to a small town in Maine for a fresh start in the form of one Rodney McKay, who as it turns out is more than meets the eye.

"It's just a goddamned crush!"

“What the fuck, McKay!” John yelled. “I can’t take you anywhere!”

In John’s head, the following sentence runs something like: 'My ex-wife said that among other flaws, I have the emotional maturity of cake, which is the only thing I will ever be able to hold a meaningful relationship with. But I guess if you’re also doomed to be alone, maybe we’ll be able to sort something out?'

In actuality, he says, “You see, I’m. I’m kinda like cake in – in some way, so, uh. Maybe I’ll keep you company?”

Dr. John Sheppard was not as excited about joining the project as Rodney was to have him on board.

Mensa-verse crossover. It warmed Rod's heart to know that the whole leave no man behind thing extended all the way to include alternate realities.

"Can he understand us?" Sam wanted to know.

"Yes." Radek Zelenka waved a hand in Rodney's direction. "524,287."

"Ook."

"42,961."

"Ook-ook."

John is a photographer, Rodney is a chef and food stylist.

@dr_dr_mckay is stuck in a jumper at the bottom of the ocean & needs your help! Please RT!!

This is fic in which RODNEY IS A UNICORN AND JOHN IS A RAINBOW.

In mathematics, the factorial of a non-negative integer n is the product of all positive integers less than or equal to n. This is written as n! and pronounced "n factorial", or colloquially "n shriek", "n bang" or "n crit". (Wikipedia)

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE

Jack feels that the words "The good thing is ..." are always a little ominous.

That's when he figures out how to rig the impromptu security feed. If Rod's up to anything, they need to know.

Rodney buys a magical lamp.

The first time Rod told his Sheppard where he could stick his MENSA meetings, it was both frightening and exhilarating.

Nelan goes to see the Matchmaker.

Sil shrugged and tapped on the readout screen. "This is a tagged government ship. The broadcast is clear, the designation is on the list. It's the Aurora."

04-877-57-7G was sixteen when he was finally transferred to his owner.

"Are you kidding? This is the hottest thing that's ever happened to me."

This is an AU featuring Rodney McKay as a U.C. Berkeley physics professor who absolutely cannot stand the new faculty hire, John Sheppard.

It should have been a brilliant arrangement. Sex that didn't count was vastly superior to no sex at all and had the added benefit of no attachments and no expectations.

"Wait, you count our relationship from the first time we had sex in a bed?"

“You don't have a Dr. McKay?” he demanded, trying to keep his voice steady and trying not to imagine any one of the terrible things that must have happened for him to not be here.  Radek gave him a curious look. “No, we do. But who are you?”

John doesn’t know when he started thinking people had to justify being happy.

The first thing John could remember was learning how to hold his breath. There were six major requirements for working with marine mammals at Sea World, and he’d been able to list all of them since age five.

"Can we lock her up forever?" asks John, dead serious.

"That's what I was thinking," agrees Rodney fervently.

John has to work hard to stay awake so he can enjoy the whole thing: Rodney's blunt-nailed fingertips skating across John's skin, the gentle sweet tickle of it, soothing and comforting and a whole lot of things John had thought he was past desiring after about age ten.

"Didn't we all read this one in the 70s? It's earthy and all the cartoon people are fat." Coda fic for How Not to Fly, set not long after the end of that story.

Death and life, hope and hopelessness, aren't just for the Pegasus galaxy. Eventually, inevitably, it's going to happen on Earth. John and Rodney, loss and family and what it means to be home.

John Sheppard was on a mission from God.

He was seventeen years old, the starting quarterback on his high school football team, it was T-minus three hours until the first big party of the school year, and his father was going to be away. All. Weekend. Long.

"I'm pretty much left with you as the only reasonable person to assume the mantle of protecting my mind in perpetuity. So we should get married before I'm speared to death by some alien with rudimentary weapons and statistically improbable aim."

Rodney's got a predicament. John figures that he should give his best friend a helping hand. (AKA the one where both of Rodney's wrists are broken.)

This. This was something that needed taking care of. In a non-traditional sense.

Written as a sort of 'what if?' tag to Quarantine. What if Rodney had finally proposed to Katie? What if Katie had said yes?

You know what they say. A new cat is never the same as an old husband.

AU. It's about kids, and family, and flocking. It's about love and death, with fishing and chips on the side. It's about Jack O'Neill having to explain all of that. . . .

But. . . this year the two months were an absolute comedy of disasters, and John was literally counting down the minutes until the end of May. He felt like he was on the Biblical curses roller-coaster.

Snippet, in which pancakes are made.

SG1 AU where Rodney's Air Force, John's an engineer, and Jack O'Neill's got an unpleasant job to do.

AU: Rodney's in the Canadian Air Force. He likes cats. John's an aerospace engineer. He wants kids. There is no Atlantis, but there is sushi, Captain Underpants, the end of the world, and the flagrant misuse of alien technology.

When John had RSVP’d his invite to Ronon and Amelia’s wedding, he’d signed it John and Nancy Sheppard. When Rodney RSVP’d to Ronon, there had been no other name on the card.

John's the best liar Rodney's ever met. It takes him a long time to realise this, years.

They're both less innocent than they were a thousand years ago; less trusting, more broken. This time, Merlin is the one who gets called on his behaviour – and it's true, he thinks ruefully, he'd stopped bothering to learn the names of those around him long ago – and Arthur is the one who refuses to leave anyone behind. This time, Merlin is the one saying words like "idiot" and "moron," and Arthur has the stupid ears.

A cave-in fic, of sorts. Ford is curious, McKay is baffled, Sheppard is on the spot.

On Xia they kiss on the mouth. They do it for every possible occasion: to greet, to part, to seal an agreement. They do it at dinners, where normal cultures would have toasts. They do it spontaneously, like a pat on the shoulder, like shaking hands.

Jim's been taking fencing lessons from Sulu for over a month when Arthur Pendragon comes on board.

A late night visit to the Restricted Section turns up a strange book. Remus and Sirius find their slow tug of attraction turning into a dizzying collision course.

"If I enable your uncalled for territorial masculine paranoia, do you promise not to bother me at work for a month?"

"Do people actually buy that line from you?"

The Wraith blinked at him like he was insane. And considering that he was being held prisoner aboard a hive ship full of life-sucking space vampires headed for Earth and he was using his considerable intellect not to plot an admittedly unlikely escape but to inquire about his captor’s hobbies—you know, the things he did when the life-sucking got tedious—well. That wasn’t an entirely inaccurate assessment.

In his rational mind, Rodney knew that following a girl who'd just dumped you into a strip club was really, really pathetic.

But so was going to your little sister's wedding without a date.

Science was his mistress, yes, but it was hardly one Rodney could put into a turquoise mermaid dress and parade around skeptical and shocked family members who had been taking bets on whether Rodney was asexual, gay, or more attracted to theoretical physics than other organic matter.

"Well, yes, if you want to take an incredibly complex and intriguing concept and reduce it to the level of a third-rate sci-fi show," and Rodney's face was clearly telling what he thought about that, "congratulations, it's a holodeck."

It's all so familiar that John begins to feel uncomfortably like he's never been away. He's not really banked on that.

"I will not go insane if I’m not married by 35, Jeannie! Uncle Walter got addicted to opium in Thailand, and that was sixty years ago. Has anyone else gone insane since then?"

All his life, he had listened to the city.