Kirk and Spock temporarily have charge of a kid.

For Zach's 34th birthday, J.J. Abrams give him the reigns of the Star Trek reboot franchise and tells Zach to give him a script, a cast, and a shooting schedule by the end of the summer. Not to be left out, Chris helps out by turning the original screenwriters' swamp of notes into a shooting script and John takes over casting duties. Despite three months of whining, cereal, sighing, whining, and cross-country banter, they might just manage to get this movie together and make something new of their careers.

A few weeks after the promotional whirlwind ended, though, Chris was bored. Everything was always in the same place and nothing could be moved without a joint session of the Gosh, I'm So Tired of This Object Here, Where Should It Go? committee, comprised of Zach, Harold the cat, and Noah the dog, with Chris recently appointed as honorary secretary/mover.

"During your time, was the bridge staff comprised of functional alcoholics?"

"Well, I don't want to intrude or anything but -- I've been kidnapped. Nothing major yet, just some light torture, the usual."

"Please don't go by C. Pine. I will end you. See also: C., Whitelaw, or Chrissy. Princess Whitelaw's good. Nothing Pine-related either."

Almost immediately, a text in return: "Have you noticed how many times you threaten to kill me per day?" Followed by: "You're the Dread Pirate Roberts to my Westley, aren't you?"

"Dude," Zach replies, shaking his head, "Isn't that masturbatory at some point? DON'T WRITE ABOUT IT IN YOUR PAPER."

AKA 'The One Where Spock Prime is a Matchmaker'; but be warned that it's as much about Spock Prime and matchmaking as TOS is about modes of technology in the 23rd century.

Should he tell Chekov that Kirk and Spock were living together? Chekov could keep his mouth shut, but -- no, this was one of those things that was too good to keep to himself and too fucking insane to tell anyone, even his best friend. If Chekov found out on his own, then they'd scream about it and never tell anyone; yet if Spock was being moved into Kirk's room in the middle of the night, the chances of their going public any time soon were fucking slim, if existent at all.

There's a reason New Vulcan doesn't have all-night wedding chapels, Bones, and it's not because they don't like Elvis.

The last day of the Enterprise's five-year tour is comprised of about 90% lounging, 10% other.

Five Times Nick and Mia would've totally Done It had it not been for the fact that this is a kid's movie.

Amanda Grayson raises two boys on Vulcan.

Detailing one of Amanda Grayson's first diplomatic assignments, which happens to be on the USS Kelvin.

Chris turns around and looks out the window again. It looks straight into someone else's bedroom and, yeah, that's a guy on a bed getting head from another guy.

You have discovered the truth, Penny: I've never really met Leonard Nimoy.