Pinboard: bookmarks for adamcrowe tagged 'theonion'

select: none ‧ this page ‧ all pages no items selected

mark as read ‧ unread ‧ private ‧ public ‧ add stars ‧ remove stars ‧ delete

THIS IS BOILERPLATE confirm ‧ cancel

The Onion -- Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe
TheOnion disney diegesis totalitarianism satire
15 days ago by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality
TheOnion law satire
7 weeks ago by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers

'A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers. "From the moment they open their eyes, newborns can tell if their mother had no other options and was forced to settle for their father, or if their father is a sad sack who has no friends and gets drunk on a single glass of chardonnay," said researcher Dr. Stuart Lindstrom, explaining that despite their blurry vision, infants can still identify basic loser body types, and have specialized olfactory receptors allowing them to detect the odor of failure. "In fact, we've determined that as early as the second trimester, a fetus picks up on the income and social standing of its mother via the umbilical cord." The study also concluded that the screams of newborns stem from the sudden realization they will be stuck with their loser parents for at least 18 years.'

TheOnion childhood parenting psychohistory satire
8 weeks ago by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Straight Day
TheOnion happiness :-)
10 weeks ago by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

'The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."'

TheOnion idiocracy satire
february 2012 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Son In Iraq Or Something

'Fabric-store manager Bonnie Reedner told reporters Monday that her 18-year-old son, Pfc. Matthew Reedner, is "over there, fighting in Iraq, or something." "I guess he's stationed in Baghdad or Basra—some place beginning with a B," Reedner said. "I don't really know. I should check the return address on one of his letters. I think there's another one over on the microwave with the unopened mail." Though Reedner said she hopes for her son's safe return, she admitted she should probably pick up a newspaper one of these days to get an idea of when that might be.'

TheOnion psychohistory neglect sacrifice satire
december 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- White House: 'Rising Homicides By U.S. Iraq War Veterans A Testament To American Military Training'
TheOnion empire sacrifice pathocracy satire
december 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Continued Existence Of Edible Arrangements Disproves Central Tenets Of Capitalism

"In theory, the market should have done away with Edible Arrangements long ago," said American Economic Association president Orley Ashenfelter, who added that one of the crucial assumptions of capitalism is the idea that businesses producing undesired goods or services will fail. "That's how it's supposed to work. Yet somehow, despite offering no product of any worth whatsoever, this company not only makes payroll every week, but also generates strong profits." "It's mind-boggling," Ashenfelter continued. "I honestly have never even heard the name Edible Arrangements mentioned in conversation before. Seriously, has anyone?"'

TheOnion corporatism satire
december 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Who's A Girl Gotta Fuck To Get Some Closure On Her Relationship With Her Father?

'How much longer do I have to bang every emotionally distant man in a 12-mile radius before I come to terms with the man who I unconsciously picked up demented ideas of intimacy and sexuality from? Come on already! So my dad left when I was 19, ran off with a girl who could have been my sister, and blamed the whole thing on me through a series of passive-aggressive letters over the next several years. It's not that complicated! Sleep around a lot in your mid-20s, experience an epiphanic moment of clarity, put to rest your lifelong male-acceptance issues, and move on already! People do it every day, right? But I've nailed plenty of dudes (and I mean plenty), and where's it gotten me? Unresolvable Sexual Tension City, that's where! Even when I let coworkers finger me in the back of the supply closet, that crazy old hollow feeling won't go away. And it's not through lack of effort on my part, that's for sure! I've got a rash on my ass from all the carpet burns!'

TheOnion psychology childhood parenting trauma repetitioncompulsion satire
november 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Teenager Learns Negligible Value Of A Dollar
TheOnion greatestdepression dollar inflation satire
november 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next

'Witnesses said Malkin, who has earned $21 million in salary and bonuses since the recession began in late 2007, spent several minutes weighing various options for his wager—including a man standing on the sidewalk with a dollar bill taped over his mouth, a woman sitting in a lotus position on a straw mat, and a man playing an African hand percussion instrument in the drum circle at the west end of the park—before finally settling on a woman passing out leaflets.' -- (Narcissism of small differences)

TheOnion "revolution" falseconsciousness narcissism satire
november 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt

'"It's truly fascinating—after spending a certain number of hours performing assigned tasks, the so-called 'employees' at such facilities would receive monetary compensation that allowed them to support themselves and their families," said archaeologist Alan H. Mueller, citing old ledgers and time-keeping devices unearthed at excavation sites in the region. "In fact, this practice seems to have been the norm for their culture, which consisted of advanced tool users capable of exploiting their skills to produce highly valued goods and services." "It's a complex and intriguing set of rituals we're still trying to fully understand," Mueller added. "But it appears as if their entire society was centered around creating, out of thin air, actual jobs that paid an actual living wage."'

TheOnion america deindustrialization greatestdepression satire
october 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything

'Admitting they had "absolutely no idea what the fuck [they were] doing," millions of Americans immediately ceased trying to manage the country's large-scale, ongoing disasters and pleaded with U.S. scientists, economists, educators, philosophers, and inventors to intervene and make things better again. According to Beltway insiders, the phenomenon has spread to the highest levels of the U.S. government, with hundreds of lawmakers crumpling up all bills currently under debate and claiming that pervasive problems related to unemployment, a crumbling infrastructure, and energy crises should probably be left to people who know some things about that stuff.'

TheOnion collapse statism democracy learnedhelplessness repetitioncompulsion satire
october 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Newly Deployed Soldier Has Dreamed Of Fighting In Afghan War Since He Was Little Kid

'Recently deployed to participate in counterinsurgency operations outside of Kabul, 19-year-old Pvt. Robert Welsh told reporters Monday that for as long as he can remember, he has wanted to serve his country by fighting in Afghanistan. "My most vivid childhood memories are of seeing the war on TV and imagining one day I'd be able to grow up and come over here to fight for my country," said Welsh, who has followed the U.S. struggle against the Taliban for more than half his life and once spent recesses at school make-believing he and his fellow third-graders were fighting the war on terror.'

TheOnion terrorism! afghanistan war perpetualwar 1984 satire
october 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living

'Dawning horror tinged with self-loathing crept slowly over the face of claims adjuster Robert Pettlebaum, 42, as he described his job and by extension his life to others during a seemingly innocuous Tuesday lunch meeting. "Mostly what I do is I seek out discrepancies in the property appraisal versus the claimant's estimate of worth and then I…then I defer outpays…with…oh, God…," Pettlebaum said as shadows of unspeakable self-realization flickered across his increasingly desperate eyes. "Wait, no, that can't be right. I don't...do I?"'

TheOnion work identity existentialism satire
october 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Nervous American Voters Worried About Botching Another Election

'According to a Rasmussen poll released Thursday, nearly all American voters share a deeply held fear of botching another election in 2012, with the majority admitting that selecting candidates suitable for public office is something they are just not very good at. "In the end, I just know I'm going to hear one catchy sound bite and make a terrible, emotionally driven decision that's going to screw us over for another two, four, or six years," said Kyla Simpson of Denver, a working mother of three who confirmed she routinely elects officials whose actions damage the health, safety, and economic security of her family. "I always wind up going with my gut instinct and making an impulsive choice that sends everything straight to hell." "Goddammit, why do I keep doing that?" she added.' -- CHANGE!!!

TheOnion democracy satire
october 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions

'According to the historians, by looking at things that have already happened, Americans can learn a lot about which actions made things better versus which actions made things worse, and can then plan their own actions accordingly. While the new strategy, known as "Look Back Before You Act," has raised concerns among people worried they will have to remember lots of events from long ago, the historians have assured Americans they won't be required to read all the way through thick books or memorize anything.'

TheOnion america idiocracy history myopia memoryhole satire
september 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- California To Allow Prisoners To Serve Sentences Online

'Faced with a mandate to cut the state's prison population by 30,000, the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation announced Monday it would begin allowing prisoners to serve their sentences online. "Inmates are required to log in promptly every morning at 6 a.m.," CDCR secretary Matthew Cate said. "But make no mistake, this is not some online holiday resort prison. Offenders spend at least eight hours a day entering data and can only see visitors in the chat room once a week."'

TheOnion prisonindustrialcomplex facebook subsistenceclicking satire from delicious
september 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree

'"People who invest in print media are going to see their holdings grow by leaps and bounds, and they'll probably ask themselves, 'How can this be real?'" continued the experts, every single one of whom described print media as "the closest thing there is to a money tree." "Well, trust us, it's real. You can expect to make a lot of money very quickly, and best of all, you'll do it by supporting a pillar of American society." In explaining print media's remarkable appeal, the entire financial community said citizens rely, and will continue to rely, on printed newspapers to keep them not only informed about current events, but better prepared to function as the kind of knowledgeable citizens a robust democracy requires.'

TheOnion minitrue propaganda truebelieversyndrome satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Ongoing Iraqi Violence Almost Makes American Invasion Seem Pointless

'A majority of Americans also agreed that the spate of roadside bombs, suicide attacks, and ethnic murders might—and this is just an opinion, they claimed, which may or may not actually hold water—cause one to deduce that the federal government had sacrificed 4,500 troops, not to mention more than 100,000 Iraqi civilians, in a campaign that ultimately, perhaps, proved ruinous for both nations. "Sure, through the narrow prism of the violence that has resulted, I guess it'd be possible to conclude we accomplished nothing and threw away a staggering number of human lives as well as trillions of dollars for no real reason," Boise, ID resident Tricia Booth said. "This latest carnage almost makes it seem as if this war were something we shortsightedly got ourselves into and were woefully underprepared to conduct. Fortunately, I have the benefit of all the facts."'

TheOnion america empire war pathocracy rationalization satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- America Gets Set To Enjoy Month Or So Of Libya Seeming Like Symbol Of Freedom

'“We’ve got a nice four weeks of thinking Libya represents a triumph of liberty before the situation begins to deteriorate and some new form of authoritarianism inevitably asserts itself,” said Michigan-based architect Wes Reinhorn, adding that while he was looking forward to the nation potentially serving as a model for other Arab countries, he would eventually realize the situation in the region was very complex, and any hope he had of Libya transforming things for the better would presumably fade away by October.'

TheOnion "revolution" twominuteshate spectacle satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Report: At This Point, Most Americans Feel More Comfortable In Dying Economy

'"Even if I did somehow make enough money to keep my head above water, I haven't the slightest clue what I'd do with it anymore," Bowman added. According to the survey, 63 percent of Americans said they had come to rely upon the familiar sense of dread that came from knowing the country was quickly losing its place as an economic superpower, while 71 percent described finding a kind of tranquility in the steady, predictable cuts to local, state, and federal funding.'

TheOnion america greatestdepression dissociation satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Scientists Say Newly Discovered Earthlike Planet Could Support Robust Economy

'Astronomers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, announced Friday that preliminary studies of Gliese 581g, a habitable planet orbiting a red dwarf star 20 light-years away, indicate its conditions are perfect to support a booming economy. "With its unmatched areas for growth, especially in the real estate and manufacturing fields, I would advise immediate investment." Vogt said that because the planet's gravity was conducive to human beings walking on its surface, he saw no reason why people from Earth wouldn't one day be able to invest in risky speculative bubbles on Gliese 581g that would drive the planet into complete economic free fall.'

TheOnion repetitioncompulsion satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other

'After trying to present his parents with a rather condescending and manipulative colored-pencil drawing he had made of the three of them standing outside their house with big smiles on their crudely rendered faces, Sean told reporters in a trembling voice that can only be described as immensely irritating that he didn't "know who to talk to" about the situation with his parents, as though blabbing his mouth off about the lives of others were ever a wise idea. "Why is this happening?" whined the little shit for what felt like the 5,000th time this week, his pouty voice reaching levels of annoyance that would make even the most levelheaded adult want to pick up a chair and throw it across the room in sheer exasperation. "Is it my fault?" "I should just run away," added Sean, positing his first sensible thought in years. "Maybe that would make everything better."'

TheOnion childhood personalization distortion defencemechanisms psychology from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System

'Scientists believe the star, which they have named G2V65, may in fact be the same bright yellow orb seen arcing over the sky day after day, and given its extreme heat and proximity to Earth, it is likely not only to have caused the heat wave, but to be responsible for every warm day in human history. As to potential applications of the new discovery, experts acknowledge the possibilities could be limitless "This is a watershed moment," renewable energy specialist Dr. Martin Flint said. "Who knows where this could lead? Perhaps we could develop a method of harnessing these big star rays and transforming them into some sort of ecologically friendly power source."'

TheOnion globalwarming climate solar satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is

'"He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling on about the depressed housing sector or something," said Kampman, who claimed Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. "Then after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying." "Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror," Kampman added. Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless." Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row. "This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. "Fucking love this song."'

TheOnion doublethink tragedy irony vanity narcissisticinjury feignedhumility sarcasticapology hypocrisy usefulidiot BenBernanke satire * from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now

'WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg implored every citizen of the United States to induce vomiting immediately. "Please, everybody, there's no time to explain. Just gag yourselves, drink ipecac, do whatever is necessary to puke everything out right now—all of it," Hamburg said moments before jamming her index and middle fingers deep into her throat and violently disgorging the contents of her stomach all over the lectern. "Do it now! Now, now, now!" As of press time, the FDA released a statement saying that everyone should have vomited by now and informing those who hadn't that it was "too late."'

TheOnion statism poisoncontainer soma slavery triage satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Newswire: U.S. Flag On Moon Falls Over
TheOnion america greatestdepression collapse satire from delicious
august 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks

'"The al-Qaeda network is fully prepared to continue the jihad against the American infidels by launching deadly attacks, but your outdated and rusting transportation infrastructure needs to be completely overhauled for those strikes even to be noticed," al-Zawahiri said. "We want to turn your bridges into rubble, but if we claimed credit for making them collapse, nobody would ever believe us." "We'd really just be doing you a favor because then you'd actually have to rebuild them," al-Zawahiri added. Throughout the threatening video, the terrorist leader questioned the priorities of American politicians, asking why they would refuse to fund engineering projects that would create jobs, bombing opportunities, and new ways for the U.S. compete globally.'

TheOnion puppetry shill government propaganda makework keynesianism brokenwindowfallacy satire from delicious
july 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Nation Ready For Its Din Din

'WASHINGTON—Sitting patiently in their chairs with their nappies on their lappies, the residents of the United States announced Wednesday they were ready for their din din. "Yummy yummy num nums," exclaimed a Nashville, TN–area big boy, 42, digging into a mound of macaroni and cheese as soon as his plate touched the table. "Mmmmmm." After din din, the nation will reportedly have its bath, get its jammies on, and then it's time for beddy-bye.'

TheOnion america statism infantilism satire from delicious
july 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger

'The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.'

TheOnion babyboomers trollsremorse euthanasia satire from delicious
july 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia

'Congress has pledged to consider looking into new sanctions following North Korea's eradication of all life on the Asian continent.'

TheOnion pathocracy desensitization fatalism satire from delicious
july 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- Nation Somehow Failed To Predict Attack By Michael Bay

'The FBI says the warning signs that Bay would eventually carry out a terrorist attack were startlingly obvious in retrospect.'

TheOnion terrorism! militaryentertainmentcomplex predictiveprogramming satire from delicious
july 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Nation To Try Its Luck Out West

'The federal government has not yet issued any plans for dealing with the mass exodus, which is expected to have wide-scale economic repercussions in the abandoned regions, including a complete collapse of consumer trading and a short burst in hardtack sales. However, the House of Representatives will begin debate on bipartisan measure H.R. 3492, which would declare a state of emergency on the East Coast and provide tax breaks to those who remain behind, as soon as Congress reconvenes next month at a cabin in Rock Springs, WY. "Everywhere across this land, hard-working men and women have come to see that anyplace is better than here," said Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO), who is giving up his $169,300-a-year job in search of work in the railroads. "No matter how bad things get or how dark tomorrow may seem, the one thing Americans can always count on is the promise of a better life somewhere else."'

TheOnion america greatestdepression manifestdestiny satire from delicious
july 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S.

'"They've been giving us the runaround on this money for a long time now, so we had no choice," said Victor Migliore of the Bayonne, NJ-based collection agency. "We mailed them four warnings and called the Capitol and White House at least 10 times each, but they just ignored us. Maybe now they'll finally realize we're not fooling around about that $5,498,415,904,232.05 they owe." "The United States is certainly not acting like a country that is serious about settling its account with us," Migliore said. "Last Wednesday, I asked them for the money, and they said they didn't have it yet. The next day, I read in the paper that they just bought a brand-new $350 million Stealth fighter. How does that make them look? Not very good, that's for sure."'

TheOnion america debt greatestdepression satire from delicious
june 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity
TheOnion war perpetualwar desensitization dissociation memoryhole satire from delicious
june 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising

'According to investigators, it appears that over the past 15 years, Obama has been elected president or prime minister in nearly 45 countries, many of them African. Officials estimate that since 1983 Obama has amassed more than $2.3 billion in stolen campaign financing. "He's good, real good," Hayden said. "Sometimes he'll have three campaigns going on at once. Recently uncovered video of him in Bangladesh, Ukraine, and Italy in 1989 shows him shifting seamlessly between three languages. And no matter what dialect he speaks, he speaks it passionately. He also abides by a flawless formula: a desperate country, plus hope, plus the promise of a bold new tomorrow equals big bucks." "He completely suckered me," said a visibly dejected vice president-elect Joe Biden, who estimated that he raised over $10 million for Obama. "I trusted him. Change, 'Yes We Can,' a new kind of politics, bringing the nation together, valuing an open dialogue about the issues—I trusted all of it."'

TheOnion truebelieversyndrome satire from delicious
june 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan

'CIA director Leon Panetta praised Lt. Gen. Pasha's announcement, calling his ISI counterpart an indispensable ally in the ongoing fight against terrorism. "We've certainly had our differences, but I appreciate the candidness and transparency he brings to our joint operations," Panetta said. "Though there may be some elements within his organization sympathetic to al- Qaeda, I know we have a trustworthy partner at the head of the ISI." As of press time, the U.S. has given Pakistan more than $20 billion in aid since Sept. 11, 2001.'

TheOnion empire backlash passiveaggression satire from delicious
june 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

'By the time the unscathed bin Laden entered New York Harbor and flung the Statue of Liberty into Lower Manhattan, some estimates put his height at 800 feet. "He seemed to feed off our weaponry," Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen said. "Everything we did to hurt him only seemed to nourish him. We pounded him with enough shells to destroy a small country, and it just made him stronger." "I don't know how we stop him," Mullen continued. "I just don't know." In a statement posted on a militant website, al-Qaeda celebrated the devastation and said the United States was paying the price for not heeding its warning. "We have said that Osama bin Laden, may God have mercy on him, would be far mightier dead than alive," the statement read. "Did you fools really think we were talking about martyrdom or something? Really, how could you not see this coming?"'

TheOnion terrorism! satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- BREAKING: Enraged 500-Foot Bin Laden Emerges From Sea

'The al-Qaeda leader was spotted approximately 25 miles off the coast of the northeastern United States and appeared to be making his way toward land with alarming speed. Fighter jets and battleships are reportedly en route to the scene and are expected to engage bin Laden within the hour. Keep checking TheOnion.com or @TheOnion on Twitter for updates as this story develops.'

TheOnion terrorism! satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Evolution to Occur Thursday

'In a surprising announcement, scientists at Stanford University revealed yesterday that beginning this Thursday, human arms will become four to six inches shorter. The slight anatomical change, the most significant evolutionary development among homo sapiens in approximately 10,000 years, is expected to occur sometime between 4 and 4:30 a.m. EST. Thursday’s arm shortening will mark the first significant physical change in humans since 1948’s loss of opposable toes. “I’ll never forget that day,” said Frank Costello, 89. “It was around 6, and I was enjoying a delicious steak dinner with my wife Helen, when all of a sudden, my fork fell out from between my toes. I tried to pick it up again, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t. I had lost all use of my feet, just like that.”'

TheOnion creationism religion satire irrationality from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal

'It's all about striking a balance, really. I only wish there were more people out there as open-minded as I am.'

TheOnion politics statism relativism narcissism unwarrantedselfimportance satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups

'According to recent data, the grown-up population has plummeted dramatically since 1950, when a Census count found that more than 24 million Americans could both admit when they were wrong and respect a viewpoint other than their own. Today, only one in three million citizens can provide thoughtful advice to a fellow human being instead of immediately shifting the topic to their own personal issues or what they had for lunch. "It may seem odd to the rest of us, but for mature adults, occasionally putting the greater good ahead of their own interests or remaining calm when something doesn't go their way is commonplace." "Imagine confronting a problem directly instead of pointing a finger, cowering in fear, or pretending it just isn't happening," Ambler added. "This is how these people actually live, if you can believe that."'

TheOnion idiocracy satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Genuine Love And Respect Only Thing Holding Area Relationship Together

'"Marriages like that—built on empathy, a rock-solid belief system, and undying devotion—simply can't last. There's just nothing there." Cafferty added that he thinks the Stocktons are only staying together for their kids, who went away to college years ago, have recently gotten married, and now use their parents' relationship as a model for their own.'

TheOnion cynicism projection slavespeak satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once

'"Let me be clear: I do not want to start a thermonuclear war. But knowing that I could at any moment, and that it would be so easy, well, it almost feels like I'm being tested or something." "Did you know that if you sort of put enough weight on the button with your fingertip, you can feel a little slack there before it actually clicks?" Obama added. Historians have noted that a strong desire to press the button is not uncommon among U.S. presidents. After just one year in office, Jimmy Carter wrote in his diary, "You don't leave a man alone in a room with a button like that," and two years later the pages were simply covered with the word "button" over and over again. In 1974, Richard Nixon rapidly pressed the button 12 times just prior to his resignation, but Pentagon officials had already disconnected its triggering mechanism. At press time, large-scale nuclear explosions had been confirmed in Pyongyang, Beijing, Moscow, Tehran, and Washington D.C.'

TheOnion psychohistory trauma repetitioncompulsion deathdrive psychopathy grandiosity satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us

'"For more than two years, we combed the Middle East looking for bin Laden," Rumsfeld said. "Frankly, it was starting to be an embarrassment. You can imagine our surprise when we finally found him hiding deep inside the darkest recesses of each and every one of our souls." "It just goes to show that sometimes it's easier to look for the man in the FBI dossier than it is to look at the man in the mirror," Rumsfeld added. "He evaded us for so long because he had such an ingenious hideout," Rumsfeld said. "Only someone as evil as bin Laden would think to crawl down into that hole inside every one of us, the one that makes us hate instead of love, forget birthdays, and ignore alternate-side parking rules." "There is only one way to defeat Osama bin Laden," Bush said. "The way to eliminate this evil man is for each American to love just a little bit more, see your brother's problems as your own, always look on the bright side, and leave every place a little better than you found it."'

TheOnion terrorism! statism pathocracy poisoncontainer psychohistory falseself trollsremorse satire from delicious
may 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- Troubled Democrats To Undergo Party Counseling

'Democrats finally admitted they may need help to work out their issues.'

TheOnion family satire from delicious
april 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Al-Qaeda: Latest Missile Attack Bears Hallmarks Of U.S. Military

'At a press conference Monday, al-Qaeda spokesman Abu Musab al-Madani stated that last week’s missile attack on a terrorist hideout in Pakistan’s North Waziristan region bore all the hallmarks of the United States military. “While the investigation is still ongoing, we can say that the timing of the strike, the sophistication of the explosive device, and the fact that it came from a predator drone are all consistent with previous confirmed attacks by American forces,” said al-Madani, who noted that the terrorist organization had also received an anonymous tip alleging that the U.S. military was in the advanced stages of plotting one of its regular weekly attacks on al-Qaeda soil.'

TheOnion minitrue terrorism! satire Goldstein from delicious
april 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- Internet Outage Forces Public Into Street To Voice Their Inane Opinions
TheOnion internet twitter kipple satire from delicious
april 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- NYTimes.com's Plan To Charge People Money For Consuming Goods, Services Called Bold Business Move

'"The whole idea of an American business trying to make a profit off of a product its hired professionals create on a daily basis is a truly brave and intrepid strategy," said media analyst Steve Messner, adding that NYTimes.com's extremely risky new approach to commerce—wherein legal tender must be exchanged in order to receive a desired service—could drastically reduce the publication's readership. "To ask NYTimes.com's 33 million unique monthly visitors to switch to a cash-for-manufactured-goods-based model from the standard everything-online-should-be-free-for-reasons-nobody-can-really-explain-based model is pretty fearless.'

TheOnion news internet cognitivesurplus satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Gorgeous 25-Year-Old Dead At 79
TheOnion fame aura masks
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- CIA's "Facebook" Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs

'The CIA's invention of Facebook has saved the government millions of dollars.'

TheOnion facebook surveillance panopticon subsistenceclicking satire minipax from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens

'"When you consider all of our backup cooling processes, containment vessels, and contingency plans, you realize that, barring the fact that all of those safety measures could be wiped away in an instant by a natural disaster or electrical error, our reactors are indestructible." Jaczko added that U.S. nuclear power plants were also completely guarded against any and all terrorist attacks, except those no one could have predicted.'

TheOnion nuclear hubris precautionaryprinciple satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

Onion News Network -- Panel Of Caged Average Americans Weigh In On Economy

'The most reliable caged Americans in cable news give their trenchant, homespun insight into current events.'

TheOnion democracy slavery spectacle satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Burden Of Parental Expectation Available In Youth Sizes
TheOnion parenting narcissism theadvertisedlife satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

YouTube -- The Onion: Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death

'In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.'

TheOnion bioengineering eugenics transhumanism satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Al-Qaeda Recruiting Suicide Bombers With Promise Of Halfway Decent Job In Afterlife

'While al-Qaeda has long reached out to disenfranchised young men with guarantees of a heaven filled with sensual delights, sources said new enticements such as a 40-hour work week and a $37,000 starting salary with annual cost of living adjustments, make blowing one's self up in a crowded marketplace significantly more appealing to the many chronically unemployed individuals in the Muslim world. "By 2014, we believe al-Qaeda's new approach will be drawing hundreds of thousands of young men willing to annihilate themselves for the glory of God if it helps them get health coverage," Lowell added.'

TheOnion government makework brokenwindowfallacy satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- CNN Anchor Interviews Al Jazeera Anchor Who Interviewed Libyan Rebels

'NEW YORK—In an effort to provide viewers with an authentic, first-person account of conditions on the ground in Libya, CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips conducted an exclusive, one-on-one interview Tuesday with the Al Jazeera news anchor who interviewed leaders of the uprising. "What can you tell us about what they told you about what the situation is like for them right now?" asked Phillips, going directly to the source of the Arab news network's extensive on-air discussions with key figures in the rebellion. "'This fight for freedom has come at a great cost to you,' is what I imagine you said to them, correct?" CNN has announced it will continue its firsthand reporting on the chaos in Tripoli's streets from its bureau in Cairo, more than 1,000 miles away.'

TheOnion "revolution" oligarchy propaganda satire from delicious
march 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit

'"My whole life I've made a concerted effort to give people a fair shake and understand different points of view because I felt that everyone had something valuable to offer, but it turns out most of what they had to offer was complete bullshit." "Seriously," Richman added, "what have I gained from treating everyone's opinion with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."' By his estimates, Richman's receptiveness has resulted in 160 irreplaceable hours of listening to grossly uninformed political opinions, 300 hours of carefully hearing out both sides of pointless arguments, and at least a month of listening to his parents' bullshit about how important it is to be open-minded.'

TheOnion groupthink consensus relativism subjectivism postmodernism 2+2=5 slavespeak duckspeak bullshit satire reactionformation avoidance from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

YouTube -- TheOnion: Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet

'The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed.'

TheOnion internet ddos terrorism! satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid'

'"I'm dropping off the radar for a while," wrote Allen, 36, who lives in a two-story house with running water, electricity, regular garbage pickup, wireless Internet access, and high-definition satellite television service. "If you need something, text me." Allen has not been heard from since earlier this afternoon, when he confirmed via Twitter that he was "maintaining radio silence" and then checked in to his local coffee shop on Foursquare.'

TheOnion internet tethered amputation satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God

'NASA was founded in 1958 by President Dwight D. Eisenhower for the express purpose of locating and assassinating God. By 1969, it had completed a successful lunar landing, bringing mankind that much closer to neutralizing the Almighty. It was in that year that U.S. astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to step on the moon, and uttered the legendary phrase, "Where are you, God, you fucking faggot? Come and get me!" Over the years, officials told reporters, God had proved to be an elusive and formidable foe. In 1986, He destroyed the Challenger shuttle, killing all seven crew members, including Christa McAuliffe, a special operative who had been given orders to seduce and then strangle God with garrote wire. The Lord subsequently blew up the Columbia Destroyer Shuttle on reentry in 2003, and several times sabotaged the Hubble Space Telescope, a large piece of surveillance equipment launched into orbit in 1990 to monitor His activities.'

TheOnion god government delusion satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Variety Of Unsustainable Business Models Make Up Extremely Hip Neighborhood
TheOnion bubble malinvestment gentrification satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Egyptian Populace To Hopefully Get Something Better Than Democracy Out Of All This

'"They suffered under Mubarak for 30 years and this is the consolation prize they get? Democracy? At least give them all new jobs, or $5,000 in cash. Something."'

TheOnion "revolution" government democracy slavery egypt satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan
TheOnion government debt keynesianism satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Anarchy Symbol Updated To Appeal To Today's Teens
TheOnion anarchism apps vernacular lulz from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- U.S. Negotiating Mubarak's Severance Package

'"We are all thankful for the hard work and long hours President Mubarak put in over the years, and hope our discussions continue smoothly," said senior U.S. negotiator Frank Wisner, who admitted that the final settlement would have to be considerable, as Mubarak's contract with the U.S. was being terminated 15 years early. "Unfortunately, he no longer reflects our needs in the region at this time, but we would like to end our relationship on the right foot. He deserves to retire in comfort." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has also reportedly offered to write Mubarak a letter of recommendation in case he wishes to apply for any dictatorship jobs with U.S. allies in the future.'

TheOnion empire puppetry egypt satire from delicious
february 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'
TheOnion america terrorism! stasi satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers

'"It is high time we paid tribute to those who sensed the direness of the moment and immediately sprang into action on that terrible day, exploiting it for personal gain," Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said Tuesday. "These were the thoughtless men and women who selfishly showed us that in desperate times, the most callous among us will always be there to step forward and do whatever it takes to get a piece of the action." "They sacrificed their dignity and sense of basic morality so that others might one day give to them," Graham continued. When reached for comment, a number of First Capitalizers were more than willing to step forward and share their heart-numbing tales of exploitation and greed.'

TheOnion terrorism! falseflag grifting satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Gap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The World

'"It is an astounding feat of human engineering that eclipses the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Giza, and perhaps even the Great Racial Divide." According to anthropologists, untold millions of slaves and serfs toiled their whole lives to complete the gap. Records indicate the work likely began around 10,000 years ago, when the world's first landed elites convinced their subjects that construction of such a monument was the will of a divine authority, a belief still widely held today. "It's breathtaking," said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, a longtime champion and benefactor of the rift's conservation. "After all we've been through in recent years, there's no greater privilege than watching it grow bigger and bigger each day. There may be a few naysayers who worry that if it gets any wider, the whole thing will collapse upon itself and take millions of people down with it, but I for one am willing to take that chance."'

TheOnion mysterybabylon slavery oligarchicalcollectivism satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Area Woman Prefers To Get Same Advice From As Many People As Possible

'"Calling on those close to me to endlessly reconfirm my worldview makes coming to conclusions that much easier." Lim added that on the occasions when she does encounter someone with a conflicting take, she is quickly reassured by her real friends that Laura is a total bitch.'

TheOnion conformity groupthink herd satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- 2012 Prius To Feature Rudimentary Reproductive System

'TOKYO—In an effort to keep pace with its largely progressive customer base, Toyota Motor Corporation announced Monday that the 2012 line of Prius hybrid-electric vehicles would come equipped with a crude but functional reproductive system. "It's the same fuel-efficient, environmentally friendly car that drivers love, but with the option of male or female sex organs," said Toyota spokesman Veronica Bates, inviting reporters to examine the 85-pound vulva of a just-assembled female Prius, as well as the passenger-side vas deferens of its male counterpart.'

TheOnion environmentalism conspicuousconsumption selfobjects objects unwarrantedselfimportance theadvertisedlife satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Revamped WPA To Create 50,000 New Jobs By Disassembling, Reassembling Hoover Dam

'"This is a vital initiative," said WPA director Ted Doogan, who was appointed last week. "Systematically tearing down such a massive edifice will create at least 25,000 jobs over the next five years. And then reassembling it, using all the same pieces in the exact same configuration, will employ another 25,000 workers. America is back."'

TheOnion keynesianism makework happytalk satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa

'"A lot of people thought I was crazy or egotistical for doing those things, but they were merely projections of various childhood traumas and insecurities borne of postmodern alienation," West said. "Luckily, I found ways to make up for my deep-seated psychological needs, and I am now a fully actualized adult."'

TheOnion childhood missing grandiosity satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Titanic Reenactment Club Loses Another 1,300 Members
TheOnion disaster reenactment deathdrive satire from delicious
january 2011 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- American Voices: Travelers Against Body Scanners

'Anne Burdick, Systems Analyst: "If you don't want a bunch of strangers looking at you naked, then what the hell are you doing flying on an airplane?"'

TheOnion slavespeak satire from delicious
december 2010 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Julian Assange Fired From IT Job At Pentagon

'ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as "the last straw," Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to resign from his position as the Pentagon's IT coordinator Monday. "We gave him his first warning after the whole Iraq and Afghanistan war diaries thing, and strike two was when he forwarded that video montage of Nicolas Cage yelling to the entire staff," Defense Department human resources director Curtis Shannon said. "But we just can't overlook this latest offense. Even if he's the only one who knows where the spare USB cables are." At press time, Assange had already been invited to interview for an IT position at the Central Intelligence Agency.'

TheOnion JulianAssange puppetry satire minipax from delicious
december 2010 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- 20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America

'"A joyful noise filled the hall as the priest pulled the first virgin's heart from her chest and recited the ancient, mystical section 102(a)(3) of the Delaware General Corporation Law," said 44-year-old disciple David Infantes, recalling the blasts from plastic horns donated by Wells Fargo that accompanied a young girl's lifeless body rolling down the altar steps. "In that moment, I pledged my soul anew to our blessed Corporate Overlords, increasing profits be upon them." By many accounts, the highlight of the evening took place when the 500 Shareholder Guardians, wearing robes adorned with logos of the nation's top-ranked businesses and chanting optimistic revenue projections, used their companies' balance sheets to ignite the alcohol-soaked vestments of the "cursèd and damnable" children born the day Lehman Brothers collapsed.'

TheOnion mysterybabylon commerce magick lulz satire from delicious
november 2010 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Mom, Jeremy Won't Let Me Create An Atmosphere Of Sustained Menace

'No, Mom, listen. He's really bugging me. Don't you understand that I need to develop this antagonistic sibling dynamic in order to define my role as an individual within the family, specifically with regard to how my dominance over him in some way strengthens or validates my nascent sense of self? C'mon, please? I promise I won't in any way undermine the psychological damage you and Dad have already inflicted upon Jeremy by using him as a conduit for your respective fears, frustrations, and anxieties. And I swear I'll be careful not to menace him in such a manner that he reflexively fights back, becomes prone to violence and quick aggression, and eventually begins to exhibit traits of an anger disorder or sociopathy. I just want to engender in him a lifelong sense of insecurity and diminished confidence, honest! So will you tell Jeremy to let me create an atmosphere of sustained menace, please? You will? Thanks, Mom!'

TheOnion family siblings abuse slavespeak falseself narcissism satire sadism from delicious
november 2010 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

The Onion -- Al-Qaeda Marching Band To Join Macy's Parade After Incredible Audition

'NEW YORK—Following an audition that "knocked [their] socks off," organizers of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade announced today they would allow the al-Qaeda Marching Band, the musical performance division of the international terrorist organization, to participate in the 84th-annual holiday event. "Macy's has no affiliation with the political agenda of al-Qaeda and in no way endorses its stated goal of destroying the imperialist secular West," said Bob Carlson, a spokesperson for the department store. "But their choreography is just—wow. The costumes, the sass, the showmanship. These guys brought their A-game, and the drum line is just sensational." Al-Qaeda Marching Band director Ibrahim al-Faisal told reporters being selected to perform in the parade was "a great honor," adding that his group looked forward to wowing the crowd and setting off a dirty bomb in the heart of Manhattan.'

TheOnion terrorism! falseflag spectacle lulz satire minipax from delicious
november 2010 by adamcrowe

copy to mine

« earlier

Copy this bookmark: